What The Hell Does Rant Mean?

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. It’s the day to give thanks so I wanted to individually thank my readers, to whom I am grateful.

Becca-To the greatest friend who hates material printed with shoes and purses but loves the old classic movies. You are truly the loveliest and I am extremely grateful to know you. I may be dead right now if I hadn’t. Thank you for being my number one.

Jake-To my best friend who loves the drink and hates America’s Next Top Model and fabric stores. Not to mention my oldest friend who basically introduced me to the most incredible friends I have now. The people I call my family. Thank you for being my brother.

Mallory-To an awesome photographer who continually inspires me. Thanks for listening to my bullshit all day long. You are so important to me and I am very thankful we went to Wendover because that kicked off this life lasting friendship. Plus if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have this blog. So thank Mallmsy you lucky people.

Sarah-To a true loose tooth who is my craft guru. If I need an idea, you are there with several and you’ll search exhaustively for more. To your good spelling and kick-ass blog. I’m very thankful I have a good friend like you, who’ll let me bug her all day long.

Jen-To my number one source of laughter at work. You have been such a great friend. Always giving me rides home. Always getting my ice and drinks and snacks. I can tell you anything crazy or weird about myself and know you won’t say an unkind word. Thanks for everything you do for me and letting me lean on you.

Desiree-To the lady with good taste out the wazoo. You have really been a treat to work with. Always great with the sarcastic comebacks. I can always trust the sarcastic the most. Thanks for listening to my rants and competing in the great laze-off. You are truly a great friend.

Lisa-To the sensible and fantastic other loose tooth. Who knows her musicals as well as I do. And dispenses great advice, particularly in the zombie region. To the lover of DBo and library books. Thanks for all the great craft ideas. And hilarious stories like pink scrabble. I look forward to finally meeting you in person because we are kindred spirits.

Marci-To the closest perfect woman. Beautiful, unbelievably kind, cooks brilliantly. You are pure and it’s refreshing. Thank you for being so nice to me. The kind-hearted is a dying breed and I’m grateful to know at least one.

Tifany-To my theatrical sweet. You make my life more interesting. To the giggles after each sentence and your hilarious naivety. I could live in your hugs. Thank you for making me laugh and being so great to me.

Dorise-To one hilarious chicky-pie. You are so fun to work with and am constantly saddened by how far away from me you sit. I love going to Salt Lake shopping with you. You are unafraid to be yourself and it’s very inspiring to be myself. Thank you for being my friend, you are truly one whom everyone adores.

Brent(Bob)-To a trickster boss who makes working fun. From your great Muttley laughter to your evil eye. Thanks for giving my the right answers when I need them and for making our work atmosphere light and comfortable to work in. I call you friend.

Melissa(Meryl)-To our newest mommy at work. From Derringer Meryl to your other anime characters. To your contagious laughter. Thanks for putting up with all of us crazies. Hey! Wait! You’re a crazy too. Thanks for being my friend.

Kevin-To my php genius. From an embarrassingly merry house to that’s what she said. Thanks for being there for me.

To those I have not mentioned. It’s only because I never realized you read this blog. Maybe you should start commenting so I know. Hahahaha! Really I love comments! Seriously though. Thank you for reading. Hopefully I can keep this up for many years to come. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!

Quote by William Shakespeare

I have always loved at the end of Inside The Actor’s Studio how James Lipton always asks the 10 Bernard Pivot questions. For your entertainment, I have asked five very good friends of mine those ten questions.

What is your favorite word?
eMallory: algorithim
eMarci: hmmmmmm i would have to say tastey
eSarah: illuminate
Desiree: pneumonia
eTifany: Delightful

What is your least favorite word?
eMallory: emo
eMarci: ointment
eSarah: moist. or any word that makes that nasal “a” sound like damp. or ampersand. or nasal. on second thought, i sort of like ampersand.
Desiree: least favorite without a doubt: moist
eTifany: Rejection

What turns you on?
eMallory: political activism
eMarci: the smell of mens cologne
eSarah: pomegranate seeds. straight teeth. letterpressed type. strong arms. handwritten correspondence. correct spelling. felt.
Desiree: sweet nothings
eTifany: My arms being touched

What turns you off?
eMallory: insecurity pretending to be arrogance
eMarci: bad teeth
eSarah: being called “baby” or “girl”. nacho cheese. having my feet touched. excessive punctuation around one’s name on IM (like .,-’~sArAh~’-,. or similar).
Desiree: obnoxious sounds
eTifany: Bad Breath

What sound or noise do you love?
eMallory: water running, music
eMarci: a little kids giggle
eSarah: the sound (and feeling) of cutting hair.
Desiree: sound of water lapping up on a boat or the shore
eTifany: Hard Breathing…haha.

What sound or noise do you hate?
eMallory: scratching glass
eMarci: the sound of my alarm clock
eSarah: the sound of James Blunt being played. GO AWAY, JAMES BLUNT.
Desiree: I hate the sound of alarms
eTifany: Flatulence

What is your favorite curse word?
eMallory: bastard
eMarci: bitch
eSarah: i like so many! i find ‘dammit’ to be the most aurally pleasing, but i have a place in my heart for ‘bastard.’
Desiree: damn or sh*%
eTifany: goddamnit

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
eMallory: political activist
eMarci: secretly i have always wanted to try acting
eSarah: i would love to be an editor or the owner of a cool store.
Desiree: nurse
eTifany: High School teacher

What profession would you not like to do?
eMallory: anything officey.
eMarci: garbage truck driver
eSarah: call center employee
Desiree: sanitation of the sewers
eTifany: Janitor

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
eMallory: Hello?…lol
eMarci: I forgive you for all your sins
eSarah: good work, kid.
Desiree: well done?
eTifany: I love you

Saturday Becca and I went to her mom’s and worked on secret stuff. It was great fun. Then we headed back to her house to meet up with Jake. Then Sara and Tyler(who are awesome and everyone loves) came over for a great night of drunk facts-in-five. My favorite category was porno names. Haha!! Then Sunday afternoon we(Jake, Becca and I) met up with Tif and Mallory for coffee at Bad Ass. Then we all went to Borders. Now Borders is like church to me so it was fitting we go on Sunday. I found some awesome books: The Dangerous Book For Boys, The Daring Book For Girls, and Stephen Colbert’s I Am America(And So Can You!). Actually Jake found these books, but he has excellent taste in reading material and can always depend on him for said things. Then it was off to Dee’s for dinner. I had a burger and fries while being crammed into a booth. Everyone knows I hate booths because I’m so fat that I feel very much like I’m in vise grips. Then when Tifany makes us laugh by mistakenly insulting Mallory (and I mean we laughed hard) I felt like a juicer being squeezed of all his Jeremy juice which made the moment bittersweet(Also that may have sounded perverted with the Jeremy juice talk. I mean my guts, not anything, uhhhhh…..how do I say this delicately. Ah I know. With a link.) Anyway, we went back to Jake and Becca’s for a fun-filled night of good, old-fashioned television with such gems as Dexter, The Simpsons, and Flight Of The Conchords among others. Then the fun ended. But ah what a glorious weekend!!!

As a writing challenge six friends have each given me two random words. These words must each be used once in a short story or poem.

Brent - Jar Jar Binks, scrum-diddily-umptious
Desiree - pickles, heart
Jen - pudding, walking
Marci - certificate, printer
Sarah - elephant, generous
Tifany - cow dung, delightful

So without further ado………..The Naughty Chicken

Clarice was a piece of fried chicken. She lived on a counter top in a kitchen in Kailua Kona, Hawaii. She wasn’t a bad piece of chicken at heart. She just couldn’t help herself when the opportunity presented itself. You may wonder why a scrum-diddily-umtious piece of chicken hadn’t been eaten by now. Well the people who owned the house were a band of vegetarian gypsies that despised beef, but still longed for the juicy taste of poultry. They left Clarice out to remind them that eating chicken was wrong.
It was three o’cluck when the elephant came sliding across the counter screaming, “FARRRRAAHH FAAAWWCEEEETTTT HEEELP MEEE!” He slipped to a stand still and starred at Clarice with a grimace. “What the Sam Heck are you doing here?”, he asked annoyed. He started walking closer to her in an awkward Jar-Jar Binks-esque fashion. He was nearly blind.
“Well, dumplin’”
(Oh did I mention she was originally from Mississippi but was sent to Honolulu in a freaking shipping accident where the vegans picked up the package thinking it was a piano cover they had ordered? No? Sorry about that then.)
“Well, dumplin’”, she clucked, “It just so happens I’m waiting for you.” She lied. She had no idea who this elephant was or what he wanted.
“We need you back at the Pudding Palace.”, he spoke with urgency.
“As I said, I’ve been waiting for you to come and get me.”, she smiled to herself realizing the trick she was about to play on him.
“Ar-aren’t yo-you forgetting something?”, he stuttered.
“What’s that, hun?”, she asked.
“What about the certficate, miss?”, he said impatiently, “you’re forgetting the certificate.”
She returned a delightful reply, “Oh yeah, the certificate. I’ve got that right here.” She pulled a greasy napkin out from under her. “Here it is.”, she showed him.
“Put that away! Are you crazy?? Someone could see it.”, he yelled.
“Sorry, sugar.”, she said while folding it up and hiding it under her breading, “You know, you’re a rather small elephant.”
“I’m of adequate size, miss, to do my job. Thank you very much.”, he snorted, “Now, follow me.” He turned and started marching. She quickly grabbed a jar of pickles that stood by her and slowly followed the elephant. She could see a piece of cow dung that clung to the back of his hoof.(Do elephants have hoofs? Paws?) She was disgusted even for a piece of chicken. Just as the elephant got to the edge of the counter she gave the jar a generous toss. It hit him squarely in the trunk as he turned around to monitor her progress. “OUCH!! THAT SMARTS, MISS”, he yelped.
Clarice got a running start, took up speed, and plowed into the side of the elephant sending him ears over ass beyond the counter edge. “THIS IS MY COUNTER!! NO ONE ORDERS ME AROUND ON MY COUNTER!!,” She squealed with delight. The poor elephant died of a head injury. Which is just as well, since he had developed a tusk tumor from sitting by the printer all day at work and had only hours to live. Plus one of the vegans went bat-shit crazy and ate Clarice two days later when she was playing scrabble with the salt shaker. She was just about to get a triple word score too. With the word ‘devour’. Ironic, huh? But she deserved it I suppose. She was quite a bitch.

Monday April 2 -
[11:54] Mallory: Well… YOU CAN COME ON FRIDAY NIGHT!
[11:54] Mallory: WOOT YEAH! WOOO!
[11:54] Mallory: i might be full of sugar.
[11:54] hobbes8u: Oh dear
[11:55] Mallory: lol im sorry i will calm down.
[11:55] hobbes8u: no no it’s okay
[11:55] hobbes8u: So you want me to go to Salt Lake Friday huh
[11:55] hobbes8u: You don’t want to visit beautiful downtown Provo
[11:55] Mallory: yeah yeah we were gonna go to a moovie.
[11:55] hobbes8u: hshs

Tuesday April 3 -
[12:05] hobbes8u: Now you realize I don’t get off til 7pm
[12:06] Mallory: A nine o’clock movie it is!
[12:06] Mallory: or a ten oclocker.
[12:06] Mallory: Ooh we could do dinner and then a movie.
[12:06] Mallory: yeah yeah yeah
[12:07] Mallory: it’ll be great

[12:16] hobbes8u: So I’m coming up Friday night to go to the movies
[12:16] hobbes8u: Are you going
[12:21] Becca: sorry, jake had to use the computer for a minute.
[12:21] Becca: who are you going to the movies with?
[12:23] hobbes8u: Mallory
[12:23] Becca: ohh.
[12:23] Becca: what movie are you going to see?
[12:25] hobbes8u: I’m not sure
[12:25] hobbes8u: But you MUST go you absolute MUST
[12:28] Becca: what time? i will go.

[17:24] hobbes8u: I’m coming up on Friday to go to the movies with Mallory and others
[17:25] hobbes8u: I told Becca to go and I think Kevin is and maybe you could get off early? :)
[17:25] Jake: I don’t think so…I’m scheduled at work for some training stuff I can’t get out of.
[17:25] hobbes8u: Blast!!

[10:44] Hobbes8u: So are you going to the movies on Friday
[10:45] Kevin: Probably

Wednesday April 4 -
[12:53] Mallory: and it sounds like becca and jake are also coming
[12:53] hobbes8u: and I invited Jake and Becca
[12:53] hobbes8u: Well Jake isn’t
[12:53] hobbes8u: He has to train
[12:53] Mallory: oh
[12:53] Mallory: bummer
[12:53] hobbes8u: At least that’s what he told me last night
[12:54] Mallory: ive only talked to becca about it
[12:54] Mallory: and that was like monday
[12:54] hobbes8u: So what are the plans
[12:54] hobbes8u: dinner and a movie?
[12:54] Mallory: yeah yeah!

[13:24] hobbes8u: Tifany are you going to the movies Friday night?
[13:24] Tifany: Nope.. I have to work :( I’m sorry.
[13:25] hobbes8u: til 11:00?
[13:25] Tifany: No, until about 10
[13:25] hobbes8u: Oh actually the movie starts at 10:30pm at brewvies
[13:25] hobbes8u: Renoo 911
[13:25] Tifany: really?
[13:26] hobbes8u: yep
[13:26] Tifany: I could probably make that then !

[13:27] hobbes8u: Tifany works til 10 on Friday
[13:27] Mallory: well then
[13:27] hobbes8u: She may be able to make it to the movie
[13:27] Mallory: a 1030 movie it is.
[13:27] Mallory: hee.
[13:27] hobbes8u: haah excellent
[13:28] Mallory: :D
[13:50] hobbes8u: Have you eaten at Al Forno’s
[13:51] Mallory: no..
[13:51] Mallory: someone was telling me about it the other day though
[13:51] hobbes8u: That it was good?
[13:51] Mallory: Um.
[13:51] Mallory: they thought so?

[14:31] hobbes8u: alright the evening is planned
[14:31] hobbes8u: Al Fornos and Brewvies

To Becca:
[18:40] hobbes8u: So are those plans okay??
[18:40] hobbes8u: If you print out a coupon on the internet you can get a free bruschetta appetizer
[18:59] hobbes8u: okay well let me know I’m off now

[18:02] hobbes8u: But fellas you’re gonna want that cow bell

Thursday April 5 -
[10:03] Mallory: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR
JEEEERRREEMMMYYYY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUU

[13:45] hobbes8u: Sweaters are hot
[13:47] Mallory: skirts are kind of cold.
[13:48] hobbes8u: Well I wish I was wearing a skirt, but would it cover my boobies?
[13:48] Mallory: well.. you dont wear a skirt on top..
[13:48] Mallory: so no.
[13:48] hobbes8u: I know but the skirt would have to replace my sweater
[13:48] Mallory: oh.
[13:48] hobbes8u: and lord knows you don’t wear a sweater on the bottom
[13:48] Mallory: well.
[13:49] Mallory: it would cover your boobies i suppose.
[13:49] Mallory: you could wear it like a weird tube top?
[13:49] hobbes8u: Okay then now we are talking
[13:49] hobbes8u: Kind of like a lamp shade
[13:49] hobbes8u: except if any one tries to touch my dimmer they are going to get slapped

To Becca:
[17:46] hobbes8u: If only Becca was home.
[17:46] hobbes8u: Then life would be great
[17:46] hobbes8u: If only Becca was home
[17:47] hobbes8u: I wouldn’t have to contemplate
[17:47] hobbes8u: How crazy my life is
[17:47] hobbes8u: How old I am getting
[17:47] hobbes8u: I’m losing my fizz
[17:48] hobbes8u: From the bottle I keep hitting
[17:49] hobbes8u: B is for Bouquets of babies she wants delivered to her door
[17:49] hobbes8u: E is for the electrocardiogram she had to have when a bouquet of babies was delivered to her door
[17:51] hobbes8u: C is for the Card that was attached to the bouquet of babies
[17:51] hobbes8u: C is for Chip as in More salsa on your chip luv
[17:52] hobbes8u: A is for Algorithms….fuck algorithms
[17:55] hobbes8u: Oh geez
[17:55] hobbes8u: I sure like cheese
[17:55] hobbes8u: Cheese is so yellow
[17:55] hobbes8u: It can make a fella smeelow
[17:56] hobbes8u: smeelow that is
[17:56] hobbes8u: no smellow that is
[17:56] hobbes8u: that’s the rub
[18:30] hobbes8u: Okay text me I want to know if you are coming tomorrow night
[18:30] hobbes8u: Please come
[18:30] hobbes8u: please please please

Friday April 6 -
[09:15] hobbes8u: When do you have to go to lab
[09:15] Mallory: im leaving here at like two
[09:15] Mallory: we are learning studio lighting
[09:15] hobbes8u: How is everything turing out so far
[09:15] Mallory: and somehow i got screwed over and had to take the friday time slot
[09:15] Mallory: thats like from 2-6

[09:21] hobbes8u: Gooses! Geeses! I want my geese to lay gold eggs for Easter
[09:21] hobbes8u: At least a hundred a day
[09:21] hobbes8u: And by the way
[09:22] hobbes8u: I want a feast!
[09:22] hobbes8u: I want a bean feast!
[09:22] Mallory: okay jeeze we’ll have a bean feast

[10:32] Mallory: and so i am excited for tonight
[10:32] Mallory: well,
[10:32] Mallory: EVEN MORE EXCITED
[10:32] Mallory: becuase its been 63 days too long jeremy.
[10:33] Mallory: SIXTY THREE DAYS TOO LONG.
[10:33] hobbes8u: it sure has
[10:33] hobbes8u: DEFINITELY
[10:33] hobbes8u: I haven’t been able to get a hold of Becca
[10:33] Mallory: did kevin work out the picking you up plans?
[10:33] hobbes8u: I’ve texted her, IMed her no responses
[10:34] hobbes8u: Yes I worked it out with Kevin

[10:35] hobbes8u: And Tif’s gonna meet up at the movies
[10:35] hobbes8u: after she gets off at 10
[10:35] Mallory: right right.
[10:36] Mallory: Im sure it’ll all work out
[10:36] Mallory: hee.
[10:36] Mallory: it better
[10:36] hobbes8u: It better. I am extremely sad Jake is not coming because I love that man deeply
[10:36] Mallory: :(
[10:37] Mallory: he’s working or something right?
[10:37] hobbes8u: He has to train
[10:38] Mallory: oh right
[10:38] Mallory: pfft.
[10:38] Mallory: loser.

[15:32] Kevin: I’ll see you in a few hours :)
[15:32] hobbes8u: Alrighty

[18:46] hobbes8u: BECCA?????
[18:46] hobbes8u: are you around somewhere
[18:47] hobbes8u: anywhere at all??

Well Kevin got me at 7pm and we went to his house to get Becca(Who was supposedly meeting us to go to the movies). He calls Mallory on the freeway to tell him we are on the way(Quite a bit early to call her I thought) Pull into his driveway where Becca’s car is. I think why isn’t she outside waiting for us? She’s just going to walk in Kevin’s house when he’s not there. We don’t honk for her to come outside, instead Kevin gets out of the car and goes in the house, so I follow him. I am looking at the wall when I hear a loud girl screaming. I think, “Why the hell is Becca so excited to see me for? (Especially since she has practically ignored all of my text messages and IMs all week long)” I look up and everyone’s there yelling surprise. Tifany(not at work), Mallory(not at the studio), Jake(not training people he can’t get out of doing) plus a whole hell of a lot more people. Sara, Tyler, Brooks, Matt, Jeremy(not me, the other Jeremy), Becca, and Kevin of course. I was shocked. All that work I did planning the evening and everyone just let me. Playing along. And I printed coupons. COUPONS!!

But I had the funnest weekend ever. Thanks so much everyone! Especially Mallmsy and Tifany for planning and decorating. And Kevin for playing host and taxi. Plus Tifany made a boobs cake. So very great!!

Once upon a time in a far away land lived a princess. She was named Tifany and she was the most popular princess in the entire world. Fergie(No not from the Black-Eyed Peas) had nothing on her. She was especially popular on 37th Street, a dimly lit back street featuring a smorgasbord of whores. Now she was not a scarlet woman herself, but spent time with the other tarts teaching them the arts and crafts. “Just because you are a hooker, there’s no excuse not develop an enviable artisanship.”, she was heard saying seven times or so. She taught them how to knit sexy thongs, how to toll-paint condom wrappers, how to scrapbook pictures(Becca’s turning over in her grave at this point. Well if she was dead she would be)of them with their customers. And they became the finest streetwalkers to walk the streets. Ironically Tifany was gruesomely murdered by a particular call girl named Shameka Black with a crochet hook. Her intestines were skillfully chain-hooked and puff-stitched into a startlingly exquisite pot-holder. Police were baffled by Ms. Black’s discriminating craftsmanship. Before she died Princess Tifany wrote about her work with the 37th Street harlots. Read about her work here.

I see now that writing a blog isn’t going to be easy if I want to post to it daily. It’s not like I have fans that are desperate for my daily confabulations. COME ON YOU BLOG JUNKIES SNORT MY HEROIN!! So I guess I don’t really need to be in a perpetual state of posting. I do feel some pushing out inside me though, like the first wazz after you drink a SuperMegaColossalBigGulp. But that’s just it. It’s usually piss. But I do try. I have to dig deep with that rubber spatula, scrap all along the inside off my head, and scoop out my brain. It sounds like a terrible Julia Child concoction. Then I splosh it out onto a plate and serve it up. There it is, all slimy. And it horrifies, captivates, disgusts, offends, humors, and hopefully entertains. But you can look over it and all of a sudden–Oh there’s the time my cousin and I started a lemonade stand and we sold penny candies for two cents each, but got in a fight over it because I was eating all the profit.–And there’s the time when I was in a play and I was suppose to whistle to call the other characters on stage and I couldn’t whistle so the director told me to make some animal sound and when it came to it, at that very moment, I cut the cheese. These ideas roll out and I distort them and I create some Monster for everyone to enjoy. I guess what I’m saying is. I hope you enjoy the crap I go through to post this stuff.

Tifany start your blog!