What The Hell Does Rant Mean?

[16:37] hobbes8u: so you know what term I love
[16:37] hobbes8u: doll face
[16:39] Sarah: lol
[16:39] Sarah: ew, really?
[16:39] Sarah: that… is unfortunate.
[16:40] hobbes8u: I knew you wouldn’t be pleased
[16:40] Sarah: lol
[16:40] Sarah: it just sounds something that like a sleazy bar fly would call someone.
[16:40] hobbes8u: I don’t know why it was the fact that you would be displeased made me feel I had to be honest about it and tell you as soon as I thought about it
[16:41] Sarah: lol
[16:41] Sarah: or maybe a prostitute’s john would call her that.
[16:41] hobbes8u: no no no
[16:41] hobbes8u: I am retaking the name doll face to mean something different
[16:42] hobbes8u: like you are freaking adorable
[16:42] hobbes8u: a.k.a. you are a doll face
[16:42] hobbes8u: you see what I mean
[16:42] Sarah: …
[16:42] Sarah: okay
[16:42] Sarah: but still
[16:42] Sarah: i give doll face a big “meh”
[16:43] hobbes8u: yeah but I’m thinking 40’s soda shop musical doll face not piss drunk screw you in the alley doll face
[16:44] Sarah: lol
[16:44] Sarah: even in the 40s musical soda shop, it was the boy who flirted with all the girls that called you doll face.
[16:44] Sarah: right after he selected a song from the jukebox.
[16:45] hobbes8u: yeah but the most harmful he got was doing the jitterbug
[16:45] hobbes8u: not doing your jitterbug
[16:46] Sarah: HA
[16:46] Sarah: nice balls, jeremy.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. It’s the day to give thanks so I wanted to individually thank my readers, to whom I am grateful.

Becca-To the greatest friend who hates material printed with shoes and purses but loves the old classic movies. You are truly the loveliest and I am extremely grateful to know you. I may be dead right now if I hadn’t. Thank you for being my number one.

Jake-To my best friend who loves the drink and hates America’s Next Top Model and fabric stores. Not to mention my oldest friend who basically introduced me to the most incredible friends I have now. The people I call my family. Thank you for being my brother.

Mallory-To an awesome photographer who continually inspires me. Thanks for listening to my bullshit all day long. You are so important to me and I am very thankful we went to Wendover because that kicked off this life lasting friendship. Plus if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have this blog. So thank Mallmsy you lucky people.

Sarah-To a true loose tooth who is my craft guru. If I need an idea, you are there with several and you’ll search exhaustively for more. To your good spelling and kick-ass blog. I’m very thankful I have a good friend like you, who’ll let me bug her all day long.

Jen-To my number one source of laughter at work. You have been such a great friend. Always giving me rides home. Always getting my ice and drinks and snacks. I can tell you anything crazy or weird about myself and know you won’t say an unkind word. Thanks for everything you do for me and letting me lean on you.

Desiree-To the lady with good taste out the wazoo. You have really been a treat to work with. Always great with the sarcastic comebacks. I can always trust the sarcastic the most. Thanks for listening to my rants and competing in the great laze-off. You are truly a great friend.

Lisa-To the sensible and fantastic other loose tooth. Who knows her musicals as well as I do. And dispenses great advice, particularly in the zombie region. To the lover of DBo and library books. Thanks for all the great craft ideas. And hilarious stories like pink scrabble. I look forward to finally meeting you in person because we are kindred spirits.

Marci-To the closest perfect woman. Beautiful, unbelievably kind, cooks brilliantly. You are pure and it’s refreshing. Thank you for being so nice to me. The kind-hearted is a dying breed and I’m grateful to know at least one.

Tifany-To my theatrical sweet. You make my life more interesting. To the giggles after each sentence and your hilarious naivety. I could live in your hugs. Thank you for making me laugh and being so great to me.

Dorise-To one hilarious chicky-pie. You are so fun to work with and am constantly saddened by how far away from me you sit. I love going to Salt Lake shopping with you. You are unafraid to be yourself and it’s very inspiring to be myself. Thank you for being my friend, you are truly one whom everyone adores.

Brent(Bob)-To a trickster boss who makes working fun. From your great Muttley laughter to your evil eye. Thanks for giving my the right answers when I need them and for making our work atmosphere light and comfortable to work in. I call you friend.

Melissa(Meryl)-To our newest mommy at work. From Derringer Meryl to your other anime characters. To your contagious laughter. Thanks for putting up with all of us crazies. Hey! Wait! You’re a crazy too. Thanks for being my friend.

Kevin-To my php genius. From an embarrassingly merry house to that’s what she said. Thanks for being there for me.

To those I have not mentioned. It’s only because I never realized you read this blog. Maybe you should start commenting so I know. Hahahaha! Really I love comments! Seriously though. Thank you for reading. Hopefully I can keep this up for many years to come. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!

I’m no cop out, Sarah!  Get bent!  Five links I love to visit every now and then to shake off my boredom.

1. Pogo.com - games, games, games

2. Break.com - hilarious antics picked up on video

3. UltimateDisney.com - Everything you need to know about Disney DVD’s

4. Star Links - Kind of like the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon except you can link any actor to any actor.   You can even link me to any actor.  Try it.  I’m Jeremy Jacobson.

5. Uncyclopedia.com - Wikipedia’s spoof.

Enjoy!!

Quote by William Shakespeare

I have always loved at the end of Inside The Actor’s Studio how James Lipton always asks the 10 Bernard Pivot questions. For your entertainment, I have asked five very good friends of mine those ten questions.

What is your favorite word?
eMallory: algorithim
eMarci: hmmmmmm i would have to say tastey
eSarah: illuminate
Desiree: pneumonia
eTifany: Delightful

What is your least favorite word?
eMallory: emo
eMarci: ointment
eSarah: moist. or any word that makes that nasal “a” sound like damp. or ampersand. or nasal. on second thought, i sort of like ampersand.
Desiree: least favorite without a doubt: moist
eTifany: Rejection

What turns you on?
eMallory: political activism
eMarci: the smell of mens cologne
eSarah: pomegranate seeds. straight teeth. letterpressed type. strong arms. handwritten correspondence. correct spelling. felt.
Desiree: sweet nothings
eTifany: My arms being touched

What turns you off?
eMallory: insecurity pretending to be arrogance
eMarci: bad teeth
eSarah: being called “baby” or “girl”. nacho cheese. having my feet touched. excessive punctuation around one’s name on IM (like .,-’~sArAh~’-,. or similar).
Desiree: obnoxious sounds
eTifany: Bad Breath

What sound or noise do you love?
eMallory: water running, music
eMarci: a little kids giggle
eSarah: the sound (and feeling) of cutting hair.
Desiree: sound of water lapping up on a boat or the shore
eTifany: Hard Breathing…haha.

What sound or noise do you hate?
eMallory: scratching glass
eMarci: the sound of my alarm clock
eSarah: the sound of James Blunt being played. GO AWAY, JAMES BLUNT.
Desiree: I hate the sound of alarms
eTifany: Flatulence

What is your favorite curse word?
eMallory: bastard
eMarci: bitch
eSarah: i like so many! i find ‘dammit’ to be the most aurally pleasing, but i have a place in my heart for ‘bastard.’
Desiree: damn or sh*%
eTifany: goddamnit

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
eMallory: political activist
eMarci: secretly i have always wanted to try acting
eSarah: i would love to be an editor or the owner of a cool store.
Desiree: nurse
eTifany: High School teacher

What profession would you not like to do?
eMallory: anything officey.
eMarci: garbage truck driver
eSarah: call center employee
Desiree: sanitation of the sewers
eTifany: Janitor

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
eMallory: Hello?…lol
eMarci: I forgive you for all your sins
eSarah: good work, kid.
Desiree: well done?
eTifany: I love you

No sirree I didn’t. While Sarah and Mallory were busy with Marci at a Ben Lee concert, I was busy doing nothing. I do nothing very well. Desiree and I are always in a laze-off at work. You know, the old who is the laziest person between us contest. She has no idea though how lazy I can get. She actually thinks she’s lazier. Haha! Everyone knows I’m the laziest right? It’s my art. My one specialty. I sit there do nothing, letting my life whiz by me while I stare at televisions and computer screens. So while the girls had a life-changing, concert experience, I watched In the Heat of the Night and ate eggs while sitting.

As a writing challenge six friends have each given me two random words. These words must each be used once in a short story or poem.

Brent - Jar Jar Binks, scrum-diddily-umptious
Desiree - pickles, heart
Jen - pudding, walking
Marci - certificate, printer
Sarah - elephant, generous
Tifany - cow dung, delightful

So without further ado………..The Naughty Chicken

Clarice was a piece of fried chicken. She lived on a counter top in a kitchen in Kailua Kona, Hawaii. She wasn’t a bad piece of chicken at heart. She just couldn’t help herself when the opportunity presented itself. You may wonder why a scrum-diddily-umtious piece of chicken hadn’t been eaten by now. Well the people who owned the house were a band of vegetarian gypsies that despised beef, but still longed for the juicy taste of poultry. They left Clarice out to remind them that eating chicken was wrong.
It was three o’cluck when the elephant came sliding across the counter screaming, “FARRRRAAHH FAAAWWCEEEETTTT HEEELP MEEE!” He slipped to a stand still and starred at Clarice with a grimace. “What the Sam Heck are you doing here?”, he asked annoyed. He started walking closer to her in an awkward Jar-Jar Binks-esque fashion. He was nearly blind.
“Well, dumplin’”
(Oh did I mention she was originally from Mississippi but was sent to Honolulu in a freaking shipping accident where the vegans picked up the package thinking it was a piano cover they had ordered? No? Sorry about that then.)
“Well, dumplin’”, she clucked, “It just so happens I’m waiting for you.” She lied. She had no idea who this elephant was or what he wanted.
“We need you back at the Pudding Palace.”, he spoke with urgency.
“As I said, I’ve been waiting for you to come and get me.”, she smiled to herself realizing the trick she was about to play on him.
“Ar-aren’t yo-you forgetting something?”, he stuttered.
“What’s that, hun?”, she asked.
“What about the certficate, miss?”, he said impatiently, “you’re forgetting the certificate.”
She returned a delightful reply, “Oh yeah, the certificate. I’ve got that right here.” She pulled a greasy napkin out from under her. “Here it is.”, she showed him.
“Put that away! Are you crazy?? Someone could see it.”, he yelled.
“Sorry, sugar.”, she said while folding it up and hiding it under her breading, “You know, you’re a rather small elephant.”
“I’m of adequate size, miss, to do my job. Thank you very much.”, he snorted, “Now, follow me.” He turned and started marching. She quickly grabbed a jar of pickles that stood by her and slowly followed the elephant. She could see a piece of cow dung that clung to the back of his hoof.(Do elephants have hoofs? Paws?) She was disgusted even for a piece of chicken. Just as the elephant got to the edge of the counter she gave the jar a generous toss. It hit him squarely in the trunk as he turned around to monitor her progress. “OUCH!! THAT SMARTS, MISS”, he yelped.
Clarice got a running start, took up speed, and plowed into the side of the elephant sending him ears over ass beyond the counter edge. “THIS IS MY COUNTER!! NO ONE ORDERS ME AROUND ON MY COUNTER!!,” She squealed with delight. The poor elephant died of a head injury. Which is just as well, since he had developed a tusk tumor from sitting by the printer all day at work and had only hours to live. Plus one of the vegans went bat-shit crazy and ate Clarice two days later when she was playing scrabble with the salt shaker. She was just about to get a triple word score too. With the word ‘devour’. Ironic, huh? But she deserved it I suppose. She was quite a bitch.

Dear Diary,

It’s 6:32pm. I’m sitting at work and I really need to pee. But I’m too lazy to go to the bathroom. I wish it was acceptable to pee your pants. I just read on Two Loose Teeth that it’s National Blog Posting month of something like that. Anyway, what that means is a challenge to post thirty days in a row. Well since Sarah didn’t post this until the second, I have missed the first day of the challenge. DAMN YOU, SARAH!! Naw I’m kidding diary, I love Sarah. Put that icepick down. SO OKAY FINE! I’ll heed the challenge. All those lucky bitches reading my blog will have a smorgasbord of awesomeness. NO, THEY AREN’T BITCHES. You’re right! You’re one preachy diary. I just thought I’d tell you. SHEESH. So let’s see if we can do 30 days in a row.

Sincerely,
Jeremy

I spent the weekend watching three seasons of “The Office”. I had never seen it before really and I thought I should edumacate myself in the ways. Well it turns out that I am one with ‘The Office’. In fact this is a conversation I had with eSarah recently.

[08:52] hobbes8u: I watched three seasons of The Office last weekend
[08:52] hobbes8u: I had never watched it before
[08:52] eSarah: oooooooOOooOo
[08:52] hobbes8u: Isn’t Pam Beesley the girl from it?
[08:52] eSarah: yes.
[08:53] hobbes8u: AH HA!!!
[08:53] hobbes8u: awesome
[08:53] eSarah: lol
[08:53] hobbes8u: I guess I’ve never clicked on that link
[08:54] hobbes8u: But I am totally Officed up
[08:55] hobbes8u: What I mean is
[08:55] hobbes8u: I have jumped off the the diving board of comedy and cannonballed into the pool of The Office and I think the temperature of the water is ‘just right’

The link in question was on Lisa’s list of favorite links.

So there you go. Feel free to chat me up about Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration or Diversity day anytime.

Happy 4/20. I know, I know. I haven’t posted forever. But I just spent the past four days reading twolooseteeth.com and have enjoyed every bit of it. I know what you are thinking. Didn’t I already talk about this blog before. No, not really. I made up some wack story that linked to their site, but I have never really talked about it. I enrolled in TLTU only four days ago. I was on the fast track to my BA in all things Lisa and Sarah. Well my friends I have graduated. This is what I’ve learned.

*David Boreanaz aka DBo can do no wrong
*You can make a craft out of anything(records, marbles, freezer paper, Postal Service envelopes, etc) Do not underestimate the power of crafting.
*Running a marathon takes too damn long, But I know a crapload of places to practice running.
*Don’t f*** with librarians. They will mess you up.
*Mallory may or may not have had/has a Backstreet Boys Fan site
Plus an assortment of stuff from bikini waxes and emergency underwear to “pink” scrabble and bad dance movies. This is the site dreams are made of.

I just had to say. Anyone up for a Lisa/Sarah quiz off? Because I just might kick your ass!!!!

Happy Birthday Dawney! Remember steam roller on the Provo Temple lawn! I was just thinking of that.

So a guy walks into the library. He’s clearly not the library-type. His long hair is wrapped up in a bandana, and he has dark sunglasses covering bloodshot eyes. His mouth is drawn into a tight, determined purse. Scents of cigarettes and body odor waft off his baggy clothes. His bright orange flip-flops slap lightly on the earthen tile. He makes his way to the librarian’s desk. He stops in front and clears his throat. He pulls one side of his over coat open to reveal a bottle of silverfish. Silverfish, the library book’s worst enemy. Lisa, the librarian, eyes the bottle and looks into his dark lenses.

“What are you planning on doing with those?”, shes inquires coolly. “I’m going to take this place down.”, he slowly responds. Lisa leans in closer and whispers. “Over my dead body.” His eyebrows raise slightly above the rims of his sunglasses. He stutters mildly back at her, “I will. I’ll open this bottle right now and start with section 400 of non-fiction. Language.” “You fool.”, she chides, “You aren’t going anywhere near those bookshelves.”

Sarah, sitting at a nearby table reading the latest Vogue, watches the exchange. She reaches into her purse for her nail clippers. Lisa taps her fingers on a copy of Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment. He slowly reaches for the bottle. Lisa grabs her laser scanner and points it at him, “You have to ask yourself. Do you feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?” His nose twitches. He snatches the vial of silverfish. “You illiterate bastard.” , she mutters as she presses the button on the scanner. A laser flashes in his eye. He cries out and lunges forward at her. Sarah dashes to her feet and flips out the file in her clippers. She stabs the file into his arm. Lisa picks up her date stamper, swings her arm back and pitches a March 14, 2007 at his forehead. “What the..”, he stammers noticing he is now being attacked by two women, “Who are you?” “I’m you’re worst nightmare”, Sarah grumbles at him. Sarah grabs her Prada heel off her foot and smacks him across the face. He starts to panic and drops the vial rolling it across the floor to the card catalog. Lisa picks up the container of silverfish and crams it down his throat. He chokes and dies on his own device. Lisa and Sarah stand over his corpse satisfied to save the books. “You shouldn’t have screwed with my library.”, she says shaking her finger at the body. “Look”, Sarah says pointing to his mouth, “When you shoved that jar down his throat, it gave him two loose teeth.” “That gives me an idea”, Lisa announced.

Read about Lisa and Sarah’s ideas here.