What The Hell Does Rant Mean?

Happy Birthday to one great gal. I think you are bollocking swell.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. It’s the day to give thanks so I wanted to individually thank my readers, to whom I am grateful.

Becca-To the greatest friend who hates material printed with shoes and purses but loves the old classic movies. You are truly the loveliest and I am extremely grateful to know you. I may be dead right now if I hadn’t. Thank you for being my number one.

Jake-To my best friend who loves the drink and hates America’s Next Top Model and fabric stores. Not to mention my oldest friend who basically introduced me to the most incredible friends I have now. The people I call my family. Thank you for being my brother.

Mallory-To an awesome photographer who continually inspires me. Thanks for listening to my bullshit all day long. You are so important to me and I am very thankful we went to Wendover because that kicked off this life lasting friendship. Plus if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have this blog. So thank Mallmsy you lucky people.

Sarah-To a true loose tooth who is my craft guru. If I need an idea, you are there with several and you’ll search exhaustively for more. To your good spelling and kick-ass blog. I’m very thankful I have a good friend like you, who’ll let me bug her all day long.

Jen-To my number one source of laughter at work. You have been such a great friend. Always giving me rides home. Always getting my ice and drinks and snacks. I can tell you anything crazy or weird about myself and know you won’t say an unkind word. Thanks for everything you do for me and letting me lean on you.

Desiree-To the lady with good taste out the wazoo. You have really been a treat to work with. Always great with the sarcastic comebacks. I can always trust the sarcastic the most. Thanks for listening to my rants and competing in the great laze-off. You are truly a great friend.

Lisa-To the sensible and fantastic other loose tooth. Who knows her musicals as well as I do. And dispenses great advice, particularly in the zombie region. To the lover of DBo and library books. Thanks for all the great craft ideas. And hilarious stories like pink scrabble. I look forward to finally meeting you in person because we are kindred spirits.

Marci-To the closest perfect woman. Beautiful, unbelievably kind, cooks brilliantly. You are pure and it’s refreshing. Thank you for being so nice to me. The kind-hearted is a dying breed and I’m grateful to know at least one.

Tifany-To my theatrical sweet. You make my life more interesting. To the giggles after each sentence and your hilarious naivety. I could live in your hugs. Thank you for making me laugh and being so great to me.

Dorise-To one hilarious chicky-pie. You are so fun to work with and am constantly saddened by how far away from me you sit. I love going to Salt Lake shopping with you. You are unafraid to be yourself and it’s very inspiring to be myself. Thank you for being my friend, you are truly one whom everyone adores.

Brent(Bob)-To a trickster boss who makes working fun. From your great Muttley laughter to your evil eye. Thanks for giving my the right answers when I need them and for making our work atmosphere light and comfortable to work in. I call you friend.

Melissa(Meryl)-To our newest mommy at work. From Derringer Meryl to your other anime characters. To your contagious laughter. Thanks for putting up with all of us crazies. Hey! Wait! You’re a crazy too. Thanks for being my friend.

Kevin-To my php genius. From an embarrassingly merry house to that’s what she said. Thanks for being there for me.

To those I have not mentioned. It’s only because I never realized you read this blog. Maybe you should start commenting so I know. Hahahaha! Really I love comments! Seriously though. Thank you for reading. Hopefully I can keep this up for many years to come. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!

Yellow Staircase by Mallory Qualls (used by permission of the artist)

This has got to be hands down my favorite photograph of Mallory Qualls. For me it’s a very energizing picture. The distorted diagonal lines slide across the photo in a snaking roller coaster fashion. The people captured on the go oblivious to the spying lens. All wrapped in a warm, active yellow overtone. It’s stunning. Plus it was taken at one of my favorite places ever…..The Salt Lake City Library. A piece of cutting edge-architecture with sleek moving lines that itself symbolizes a faster-paced atmosphere. Yes this is an amazing piece. And I’m glad I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing it.

This post may offend the shit out of you. Just a warning.

Overheard by Mallory while working her job at ICEE

eMallory: next door, the guy just shouted “FUCK SHIT HOLY SHIT FUCK MOTHER FUCKER HOLY MOTHER FUCKING JESUS CHRIST”
eMallory: And then his friend was like “you know that the girl next door can hear you.. right?”
eMallory: “SORRY ICEE GIRL”

Hello.

I am guest blogger, Mallory Qualls.  I’m pretty sure I played a large role in getting Jeremy to sign up for a blog, so you’re welcome world. You’re welcome.

He asked me to guest blog, so here I am, guest blogging away. What to write about? What to write that isn’t boring? I guess to make that decision, I must first define what it means to be boring.  That is such a subjective topic that I couldn’t possibly decide. For instance, I find most reality TV shows to be dreadfully boring, whereas I love listening to NPR.  However, I know plenty of people who love The Bachelor, and fall asleep listening to Radio West. So how do I know if I am boring? I suppose that is the question.

How do you decide? and once you decide, how do you implement said decision? Sure sure, you’re saying to yourself “Now Mallory, it’s not that big of a deal whether or not you’re boring on Jeremy’s blog. It’s not like it’s your blog or anything…” but what if it’s not a question of whether or not something is boring? What if it’s a question about whether or not something is moral, offensive, controversial, or good?

How do you decide? Any advice would be appreciated.

Quote by William Shakespeare

I have always loved at the end of Inside The Actor’s Studio how James Lipton always asks the 10 Bernard Pivot questions. For your entertainment, I have asked five very good friends of mine those ten questions.

What is your favorite word?
eMallory: algorithim
eMarci: hmmmmmm i would have to say tastey
eSarah: illuminate
Desiree: pneumonia
eTifany: Delightful

What is your least favorite word?
eMallory: emo
eMarci: ointment
eSarah: moist. or any word that makes that nasal “a” sound like damp. or ampersand. or nasal. on second thought, i sort of like ampersand.
Desiree: least favorite without a doubt: moist
eTifany: Rejection

What turns you on?
eMallory: political activism
eMarci: the smell of mens cologne
eSarah: pomegranate seeds. straight teeth. letterpressed type. strong arms. handwritten correspondence. correct spelling. felt.
Desiree: sweet nothings
eTifany: My arms being touched

What turns you off?
eMallory: insecurity pretending to be arrogance
eMarci: bad teeth
eSarah: being called “baby” or “girl”. nacho cheese. having my feet touched. excessive punctuation around one’s name on IM (like .,-’~sArAh~’-,. or similar).
Desiree: obnoxious sounds
eTifany: Bad Breath

What sound or noise do you love?
eMallory: water running, music
eMarci: a little kids giggle
eSarah: the sound (and feeling) of cutting hair.
Desiree: sound of water lapping up on a boat or the shore
eTifany: Hard Breathing…haha.

What sound or noise do you hate?
eMallory: scratching glass
eMarci: the sound of my alarm clock
eSarah: the sound of James Blunt being played. GO AWAY, JAMES BLUNT.
Desiree: I hate the sound of alarms
eTifany: Flatulence

What is your favorite curse word?
eMallory: bastard
eMarci: bitch
eSarah: i like so many! i find ‘dammit’ to be the most aurally pleasing, but i have a place in my heart for ‘bastard.’
Desiree: damn or sh*%
eTifany: goddamnit

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
eMallory: political activist
eMarci: secretly i have always wanted to try acting
eSarah: i would love to be an editor or the owner of a cool store.
Desiree: nurse
eTifany: High School teacher

What profession would you not like to do?
eMallory: anything officey.
eMarci: garbage truck driver
eSarah: call center employee
Desiree: sanitation of the sewers
eTifany: Janitor

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
eMallory: Hello?…lol
eMarci: I forgive you for all your sins
eSarah: good work, kid.
Desiree: well done?
eTifany: I love you

Saturday Becca and I went to her mom’s and worked on secret stuff. It was great fun. Then we headed back to her house to meet up with Jake. Then Sara and Tyler(who are awesome and everyone loves) came over for a great night of drunk facts-in-five. My favorite category was porno names. Haha!! Then Sunday afternoon we(Jake, Becca and I) met up with Tif and Mallory for coffee at Bad Ass. Then we all went to Borders. Now Borders is like church to me so it was fitting we go on Sunday. I found some awesome books: The Dangerous Book For Boys, The Daring Book For Girls, and Stephen Colbert’s I Am America(And So Can You!). Actually Jake found these books, but he has excellent taste in reading material and can always depend on him for said things. Then it was off to Dee’s for dinner. I had a burger and fries while being crammed into a booth. Everyone knows I hate booths because I’m so fat that I feel very much like I’m in vise grips. Then when Tifany makes us laugh by mistakenly insulting Mallory (and I mean we laughed hard) I felt like a juicer being squeezed of all his Jeremy juice which made the moment bittersweet(Also that may have sounded perverted with the Jeremy juice talk. I mean my guts, not anything, uhhhhh…..how do I say this delicately. Ah I know. With a link.) Anyway, we went back to Jake and Becca’s for a fun-filled night of good, old-fashioned television with such gems as Dexter, The Simpsons, and Flight Of The Conchords among others. Then the fun ended. But ah what a glorious weekend!!!

No sirree I didn’t. While Sarah and Mallory were busy with Marci at a Ben Lee concert, I was busy doing nothing. I do nothing very well. Desiree and I are always in a laze-off at work. You know, the old who is the laziest person between us contest. She has no idea though how lazy I can get. She actually thinks she’s lazier. Haha! Everyone knows I’m the laziest right? It’s my art. My one specialty. I sit there do nothing, letting my life whiz by me while I stare at televisions and computer screens. So while the girls had a life-changing, concert experience, I watched In the Heat of the Night and ate eggs while sitting.

In case you were wondering.

[12:39] eMallory: so i think i’ll print it on a transparency.
[12:39] eMallory: since i have an assload of those now.
[12:39] eMallory: and then lay it over various color paper bits.
[12:39] hobbes8u: How many is an assload
[12:39] eMallory: like 40
[12:39] eMallory: lol
[12:40] hobbes8u: I’ve always wondered
[12:40] hobbes8u: hmm
[12:40] hobbes8u: so $200 dollars would be like 5 assloads of dollars
[12:40] eMallory: yep

So two score=one assload

06:37:57 AM: Receive text from Becca “We’re on our way! Probably about thirty minutes away.”
07:08:19 AM: Receive text message from Becca “We’s almost there.”
07:15: They’s here. Take Becca’s wild tour of Orem and Provo part one. Pass Six Flags: Car Wash Country.
07:30: Arrive at Village Inn for Breakfast. I order Chicken Fried Steak Breakfast. Mallory orders her usual Denver Omelet(We discuss why it’s called Denver Omelet and reason that it’s imported from The Mile High City itself), Becca orders something with no meat and wheat toast. Waitress brings me some sort of Chicken Fried Scramble thing. I look at it puzzled. I tell her I didn’t order the scramble thing. She assures me that I did, but she’ll fix it. I mentally flip her off.
08:30: Head to Becca’s parents to get newspaper. Continue with Becca’s wild tour. Pass Becca’s elementary school where she borrowed her mom’s earring and dropped them down a grate.
08:45: Arrive at Becca’s parents. Eat pumpkin-pecan cookies, Do Becca’s Mom’s crossword puzzle, Receive garden tour(This time sober), find garage sales in newspaper.
09:15: Garage Sailing(Because Garage sales are magical places you can float to by a magical boat. DON’T QUESTION BECCA!! SHE’LL CLAWS YOUR EYES OUT!!) Stop at Drive-thru Gas station from caffeinationery implamentation. Due to the weather, only found a few sales. Decide to go to Savers.
11:12: Arrive at Savers. Find sweet Spirograph and Old Chemistry Kit. Found the greatest couch in the world. And it was green. Didn’t buy because where am I going to put the couch? I cry because I can’t get the couch. I really love that couch. If I could go back on my life and change one thing it would be to get that couch.
12:11: Arrive at Animal Ark. Look at the adorable bunnies. Look at the adorable puppies. Look at the adorable turtle. I wish I had an adorable pet.
12:29: Continue with last leg of Becca’s wild tour. Spot elementary school rummage sale. Car jittery with delight. I am dismayed to see a jungle gym of clothing. Listen in on a conversation between two little girls. (Oh my gosh Brooklyn this purse would match your shoes. Oh yeah they would I love it. Quick go ask your mom if you can get it. Go.) The girls do not end up with the accessory. Mallory finds a bargain on some shirts.
01:16: Decide to go eat lunch at Osaka. Park in the back. Find interesting outdoor secret spot. Find interesting indoor secret spot. Everyone has sudden need to wazz. Find locked restroom. Sadly go to Osaka. Notice their “eat here, piss free” key. Rejoice. Have the best lunch ever. Mallory doesn’t even feel need to vomit. Sit in indoor secret spot’s couches. Relish the comfort. Contemplate nap. Decide we need more caffeine.
02:30: Head to Barnes and Noble. Girls wazz. Jeremy waits. Jeremy stops waiting. I find play(Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?). Then sit by cookbooks and dream. Girls find me. Head to cafe to read books. See crazy mullet guy. Grab last table after overhearing some other girls looking for one. Take that other girls!! Talk to Mallory and Becca instead of reading. Mallory inspires me and Becca to get notebooks. Head to Shepherd’s Cake and Candy to get Victorian something chocolates. They no longer sell them. CURSES!!
03:30: Go to Becca’s parents and listen to her mom play piano. She’s very good.
04:30: Arrive back at home as the bast Saturday ever ends. The girls wave to me as they leave. I wish I was dead.

Read Mallory’s account of the day here