What The Hell Does Rant Mean?

I spent Thanksgiving with Jen’s family since my family isn’t having theirs until Sunday. It was fun. We ate a lot. We played a lot. I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves.

Here’s Jen and I.(Right) The very elusive Alex and his mom, Jen.(Left) For quite sometime I didn’t know Alex existed because I had never seen him though I’d seen everyone else many, many times. But here he is in the flesh. I just realized there were a lot of green shirts that day.

Lissy and Dylan pulls face for the camera. (Right) Taylor playing Rock Band. Taylor is a most excellent video game guitar player. Everyone had their chance to blow everyone else away with their Rock Star prowess, well except me. I don’t know any rock songs well enough to get by.

Brett(filled with Thanksgiving spirit, making a face, or too much monkey bread)(right). Brad and his mom, Jen.(left) Brad was one of the best at Rock Band. He excels at everything he does. I can understand this being a genius myself. I’m not very modest. I guess I don’t excel at that. Haha!

Finally a true picture of Jen.(left) See the evil eye? She finally did it without cracking a smile. Congratulations. Alex texting Jen to get us the hell out of there.(right) Haha! She unfortunately never got them til after we had already left. It was great fun though. The food was delicious. I gained another panda bear. Thanks for letting me come Jen!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. It’s the day to give thanks so I wanted to individually thank my readers, to whom I am grateful.

Becca-To the greatest friend who hates material printed with shoes and purses but loves the old classic movies. You are truly the loveliest and I am extremely grateful to know you. I may be dead right now if I hadn’t. Thank you for being my number one.

Jake-To my best friend who loves the drink and hates America’s Next Top Model and fabric stores. Not to mention my oldest friend who basically introduced me to the most incredible friends I have now. The people I call my family. Thank you for being my brother.

Mallory-To an awesome photographer who continually inspires me. Thanks for listening to my bullshit all day long. You are so important to me and I am very thankful we went to Wendover because that kicked off this life lasting friendship. Plus if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have this blog. So thank Mallmsy you lucky people.

Sarah-To a true loose tooth who is my craft guru. If I need an idea, you are there with several and you’ll search exhaustively for more. To your good spelling and kick-ass blog. I’m very thankful I have a good friend like you, who’ll let me bug her all day long.

Jen-To my number one source of laughter at work. You have been such a great friend. Always giving me rides home. Always getting my ice and drinks and snacks. I can tell you anything crazy or weird about myself and know you won’t say an unkind word. Thanks for everything you do for me and letting me lean on you.

Desiree-To the lady with good taste out the wazoo. You have really been a treat to work with. Always great with the sarcastic comebacks. I can always trust the sarcastic the most. Thanks for listening to my rants and competing in the great laze-off. You are truly a great friend.

Lisa-To the sensible and fantastic other loose tooth. Who knows her musicals as well as I do. And dispenses great advice, particularly in the zombie region. To the lover of DBo and library books. Thanks for all the great craft ideas. And hilarious stories like pink scrabble. I look forward to finally meeting you in person because we are kindred spirits.

Marci-To the closest perfect woman. Beautiful, unbelievably kind, cooks brilliantly. You are pure and it’s refreshing. Thank you for being so nice to me. The kind-hearted is a dying breed and I’m grateful to know at least one.

Tifany-To my theatrical sweet. You make my life more interesting. To the giggles after each sentence and your hilarious naivety. I could live in your hugs. Thank you for making me laugh and being so great to me.

Dorise-To one hilarious chicky-pie. You are so fun to work with and am constantly saddened by how far away from me you sit. I love going to Salt Lake shopping with you. You are unafraid to be yourself and it’s very inspiring to be myself. Thank you for being my friend, you are truly one whom everyone adores.

Brent(Bob)-To a trickster boss who makes working fun. From your great Muttley laughter to your evil eye. Thanks for giving my the right answers when I need them and for making our work atmosphere light and comfortable to work in. I call you friend.

Melissa(Meryl)-To our newest mommy at work. From Derringer Meryl to your other anime characters. To your contagious laughter. Thanks for putting up with all of us crazies. Hey! Wait! You’re a crazy too. Thanks for being my friend.

Kevin-To my php genius. From an embarrassingly merry house to that’s what she said. Thanks for being there for me.

To those I have not mentioned. It’s only because I never realized you read this blog. Maybe you should start commenting so I know. Hahahaha! Really I love comments! Seriously though. Thank you for reading. Hopefully I can keep this up for many years to come. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!

Jen, today is your birthday. You are getting old. Remember when you had to walk to school bare foot for five miles in two feet of snow everyday? Or when you helped the South fight for slavery in the civil war? Or when Columbus landed his ship in your backyard looking for India? Haha that was hilarious. Well Happy Birthday Oldie Hawn!!  I think you are just great!

As a writing challenge six friends have each given me two random words. These words must each be used once in a short story or poem.

Brent - Jar Jar Binks, scrum-diddily-umptious
Desiree - pickles, heart
Jen - pudding, walking
Marci - certificate, printer
Sarah - elephant, generous
Tifany - cow dung, delightful

So without further ado………..The Naughty Chicken

Clarice was a piece of fried chicken. She lived on a counter top in a kitchen in Kailua Kona, Hawaii. She wasn’t a bad piece of chicken at heart. She just couldn’t help herself when the opportunity presented itself. You may wonder why a scrum-diddily-umtious piece of chicken hadn’t been eaten by now. Well the people who owned the house were a band of vegetarian gypsies that despised beef, but still longed for the juicy taste of poultry. They left Clarice out to remind them that eating chicken was wrong.
It was three o’cluck when the elephant came sliding across the counter screaming, “FARRRRAAHH FAAAWWCEEEETTTT HEEELP MEEE!” He slipped to a stand still and starred at Clarice with a grimace. “What the Sam Heck are you doing here?”, he asked annoyed. He started walking closer to her in an awkward Jar-Jar Binks-esque fashion. He was nearly blind.
“Well, dumplin’”
(Oh did I mention she was originally from Mississippi but was sent to Honolulu in a freaking shipping accident where the vegans picked up the package thinking it was a piano cover they had ordered? No? Sorry about that then.)
“Well, dumplin’”, she clucked, “It just so happens I’m waiting for you.” She lied. She had no idea who this elephant was or what he wanted.
“We need you back at the Pudding Palace.”, he spoke with urgency.
“As I said, I’ve been waiting for you to come and get me.”, she smiled to herself realizing the trick she was about to play on him.
“Ar-aren’t yo-you forgetting something?”, he stuttered.
“What’s that, hun?”, she asked.
“What about the certficate, miss?”, he said impatiently, “you’re forgetting the certificate.”
She returned a delightful reply, “Oh yeah, the certificate. I’ve got that right here.” She pulled a greasy napkin out from under her. “Here it is.”, she showed him.
“Put that away! Are you crazy?? Someone could see it.”, he yelled.
“Sorry, sugar.”, she said while folding it up and hiding it under her breading, “You know, you’re a rather small elephant.”
“I’m of adequate size, miss, to do my job. Thank you very much.”, he snorted, “Now, follow me.” He turned and started marching. She quickly grabbed a jar of pickles that stood by her and slowly followed the elephant. She could see a piece of cow dung that clung to the back of his hoof.(Do elephants have hoofs? Paws?) She was disgusted even for a piece of chicken. Just as the elephant got to the edge of the counter she gave the jar a generous toss. It hit him squarely in the trunk as he turned around to monitor her progress. “OUCH!! THAT SMARTS, MISS”, he yelped.
Clarice got a running start, took up speed, and plowed into the side of the elephant sending him ears over ass beyond the counter edge. “THIS IS MY COUNTER!! NO ONE ORDERS ME AROUND ON MY COUNTER!!,” She squealed with delight. The poor elephant died of a head injury. Which is just as well, since he had developed a tusk tumor from sitting by the printer all day at work and had only hours to live. Plus one of the vegans went bat-shit crazy and ate Clarice two days later when she was playing scrabble with the salt shaker. She was just about to get a triple word score too. With the word ‘devour’. Ironic, huh? But she deserved it I suppose. She was quite a bitch.

So I got 9 out of 24 categories right. I’m so ashamed. Although with the edit feature I could go back “in time” and….ah screw the Oscars anyway. What are you looking at? I didn’t see you put yourself on the line and make some predictions. Oh yeah? Well your momma!

At least Little Miss Sunshine fared better than I thought it would. Someone has some sense. Alan Arkin for Supporting Actor and Original Screenplay. Little Miss Sunshine won Original Screenplay not Alan Arkin. Actually to be quite correct Michael Arndt won the Oscar for writing the screenplay. I should have dared to predict them like Jen did. Oh well at least I can make frosting roses better than her, a LOT better. ;) (And I resent having to express my emotions with random puntuation keystrokes. &%@#*! I guess that’s another blog though)

I’m a terrible couch prophet. And I do magical things on couches. Not that magical, you pervert! I was referring to my uncanny ability to watch television. So Jen kicked my trash on this contest.

DAMN YOU TO HELL, JEN!