What The Hell Does Rant Mean?

[13:19] Sarah: i have “heat of the moment” stuck in my head.
[13:19] Mallory: (the radio is now playing a song thats like “dont you worry about a thaaaaaannng” and i’m pretty sure its what theups store commercials are based on.)
[13:19] Sarah: also, someone should bring me a sandwich. i feel like a sandwich.
[13:19] Sarah: lol
[13:20] hobbes8u: Could it be the devil in me or is this the way love’s supposed to be it;s like a HEAT WAVE
[13:20] Mallory: i wish i knew that song
[13:20] Mallory: and i’d bring you a sandwich if i werent in west valley
[13:20] hobbes8u: I would also bring you a sandwich
[13:20] hobbes8u: But you know what bugs me about sandwiches
[13:21] Mallory: when pickles make the bread soggy?
[13:21] Sarah: how delicious they are?
[13:21] hobbes8u: that commercial for the natural lunch meat
[13:21] Sarah: …
[13:21] Mallory: I love natural meat.
[13:21] Sarah: what wacky-ass commercials are you talking about?!
[13:21] Sarah: HA
[13:21] Sarah: that’s what she said.
[13:21] hobbes8u: and the lady is gently, tenderly putting her turkey on her pumpernickel
[13:21] hobbes8u: Like anyone eats pumpernickel
[13:21] Mallory: (i have no idea what that commercial is i just wanted to say that)
[13:21] hobbes8u: plus she’s doing it so slow
[13:22] hobbes8u: NO ONE MAKES A SANDWICH THAT GOD DAMN SLOW
[13:22] Mallory: stop making me snicker at this shoppe.
[13:22] Sarah: lol
[13:22] hobbes8u: sorry
[13:22] Sarah: 1. “tenderly put your turkey on my pumpernickel” would be a great line in a sandwich shoppe themed porno.
[13:23] Mallory: lol
[13:23] Sarah: 2. pumpernickel is good and i used to get it when i got sandwiches at the USU dairy.
[13:23] Sarah: 3. HOW IS IT ONLY 1:30?!
[13:23] hobbes8u: hahahahaa
[13:23] Sarah: 4. the HEEAAAAT OF THE MOMENT!

[10:26] Mallory: I think im going to start drinking.
[10:27] hobbes8u: alright
[10:33] Mallory: You know what is annoying?
[10:33] Mallory: being in a down and out mood and having mariah carrey stuck in your head.
[10:34] hobbes8u: aww
[10:34] hobbes8u: There’s a heeeeroo
[10:34] Mallory: no
[10:34] hobbes8u: If you look into yourself
[10:34] Mallory: this is my brain
[10:34] hobbes8u: haha
[10:34] Mallory: “i hate everything i hate everything why am i always so angry? what is wrong with me CUZ ITS JUST A SWWEEEEEEEET SWEET FANTASY BABY!!”
[10:35] hobbes8u: hahahaha
[10:35] hobbes8u: Mallory you are exquisite
[10:35] Mallory: yeah well i wish i was dead

[16:37] hobbes8u: so you know what term I love
[16:37] hobbes8u: doll face
[16:39] Sarah: lol
[16:39] Sarah: ew, really?
[16:39] Sarah: that… is unfortunate.
[16:40] hobbes8u: I knew you wouldn’t be pleased
[16:40] Sarah: lol
[16:40] Sarah: it just sounds something that like a sleazy bar fly would call someone.
[16:40] hobbes8u: I don’t know why it was the fact that you would be displeased made me feel I had to be honest about it and tell you as soon as I thought about it
[16:41] Sarah: lol
[16:41] Sarah: or maybe a prostitute’s john would call her that.
[16:41] hobbes8u: no no no
[16:41] hobbes8u: I am retaking the name doll face to mean something different
[16:42] hobbes8u: like you are freaking adorable
[16:42] hobbes8u: a.k.a. you are a doll face
[16:42] hobbes8u: you see what I mean
[16:42] Sarah: …
[16:42] Sarah: okay
[16:42] Sarah: but still
[16:42] Sarah: i give doll face a big “meh”
[16:43] hobbes8u: yeah but I’m thinking 40’s soda shop musical doll face not piss drunk screw you in the alley doll face
[16:44] Sarah: lol
[16:44] Sarah: even in the 40s musical soda shop, it was the boy who flirted with all the girls that called you doll face.
[16:44] Sarah: right after he selected a song from the jukebox.
[16:45] hobbes8u: yeah but the most harmful he got was doing the jitterbug
[16:45] hobbes8u: not doing your jitterbug
[16:46] Sarah: HA
[16:46] Sarah: nice balls, jeremy.

A gem from Desiree.

[15:55] Desiree: I could not hold a straight face this past week
[15:55] Desiree: tyler’s sister’s kid loves Shrek…just loves him
[15:55] Desiree: watches the DVD’s all day long
[15:55] Desiree: but…she can’t say his name…so she says “Cock”
[15:56] Desiree: and says it A LOT
[15:56] Desiree: and everywhere
[15:56] Desiree: whether it was to the check out lady or whoever is around
[15:56] Desiree: she’ll say “Cock?”
[15:56] Desiree: as kind of a question
[15:56] Hobbes8u: HAHAHAHA
[15:56] Hobbes8u: I love it
[15:56] Desiree: I laughed a lot
[15:57] Desiree: the kid did it at church too

I heard this exchange between two strangers on the bus.

One guy: Hey, your shirt’s on backwards.

Other guy: (Confused)Shrek’s gone back here?

This post may offend the shit out of you. Just a warning.

Overheard by Mallory while working her job at ICEE

eMallory: next door, the guy just shouted “FUCK SHIT HOLY SHIT FUCK MOTHER FUCKER HOLY MOTHER FUCKING JESUS CHRIST”
eMallory: And then his friend was like “you know that the girl next door can hear you.. right?”
eMallory: “SORRY ICEE GIRL”

As inspired by Desiree, another conversation with my body.

At work, in the very early morning, standing in front of the vending machine.

Stomach: Just get something! We’re starving here.
Fat Storage: Oh get those zingers. Oh the creamy fatness. We need some new friends in here.
Brain: You have plenty of friends! We just sent a bunch of Latinos down last night from that Mexican Pizza.
Large Intestines: Yes, and they have been partying it up down here allll night!
Fat Storage: What about Cheetos? Can we get Cheetos?
Brain: NO!!! We need to eat healthier here.
Fingers: (Puts in a dollar. Dollar comes back out.) What? no. (Puts in dollar. Dollar comes back out.) NO!! (Smooths out dollar and puts back in machine. Dollar comes back out) I’LL KILL YOU!! (Pounds on machine.) I WILL KICK YOU IN THE GLASS!
Brain: Just put in coins.
Fingers: IT’S THE PRINCIPLE!
Brain: C’mon just do it. We don’t have all day.
Stomach: And we’re staaaaaarrving.
Brain: Quiet you.
Fingers: FINE!!!! (Puts in change)
Eyes: (Reads ‘4F’)
Fingers: (Type in 4F, A bag of Skittles falls down.)
Brain: What did you just do? WHAT DID YOU JUST DO, FINGERS????
Fingers: I was just doing what the eyes told me.
Eyes: Hey now, I didn’t say anything.
Tongue: OH MAN, I hate skittles.
Fingers: What? Sorry. I thought that….SORRY.
Brain: Great. Just great.
Stomach: Just eat them already.
Tongue: No!! We are not eating those disgusting sugary puke nuggets.
Vocal Chords: Hey Aaron, do you want these Skittles? I accidentally got them.
Aaron: Sure.
Stomach: WHAT?? This is no time to be charitable.
Vocal Chords: Sorry, I’m closer to the tongue and I don’t want to hear his whiny ass all day.
Stomach: Well get something.
Fat Storage: Oooo, How about some cheese crackers? I love the Swiss.
Brain: NO, Shut your mouth, fat.
Fat Storage: Well you know there’s a hell of a lot more of us than you.
Brain: What are you saying?
Fat Storage: It’s means whatever you think it means.
Brain: You wouldn’t. You have plenty of friends. We’re trying to get into shape.
Fat Storage: And we’re doing a good job. It’s time for a reward.
Brain: Walking to the vending machine is not enough exercise to merit a reward.
Fat Storage: Don’t use big words with me. FINGERS, PUSH 7C.
Brain: NO, DON’T YOU DARE. YOU BETTER NOT LAY ONE FINGER ON THOSE BUTTONS.
Fat Storage: YOU BETTER FINGERS. I SHIT YOU NOT!
Fingers: Sorry Brain, the Fat scares me. (Pushes 7C, The Jumbo Twinkies fall down)
Stomach: Finally!
Brain: I hate you Fat!

Alarm Buzzes Loudly
Jeremy’s Ears: Someone shut that damn thing off.
Jeremy’s Brain: Be careful just to push snooze. Remember when we turned it off that one time and fell back asleep. Then we had to lie and tell the boss the power went out so the alarm never went off.
Ears: SOMEONE GET THAT ALARM OFF!! LEGS!!!
Legs: Alright, alright. Let me hit the snooze with my big toe. I don’t know why we have to sleep upside down in the bed.
Right Big Toe: Be Careful Legs. I don’t want to get caught on something.
Legs: Yeah, yeah. Just do your job and I’ll do mine.
Alarm stops.
Body relaxes once more.
Bladder: Hey let’s not get too comfortable. I’ve been holding a copious amount of urine all night long, and I can’t hold it much longer.
Legs: DAMN IT!! If the throat hadn’t been so dry and whiny before we went to bed last night we wouldn’t be in this mess.
Throat: Hey, if you want to dehydrate you go right on ahead and do it, but don’t complain to me when we have to go to the emergency room.
Brain: Alright everyone. Shut up and let’s do this. Ab muscles, pull the upper body into a sitting position.
Ab’s: Ah man, We’re too fat. We need to start exercising more.
Brain: We’ll talk about it later. Just pull us up now before we wazz all over the sheets
Ab’s: Fine! All right. PULL! C’mon everyone. PULL!!
Brain: K, Legs. Take us to the bathroom.
Legs: Here we go. Walk, walk, walk.
Hands: Here, I’ll get the seat for you.
Penis: fonvoe gerrt ih we.
Brain: Hands, can you get the pajamas and the underwear down.
Hands: I was about to. Like I don’t know how to do this by now.
Penis: Finally! I said hurry up here. Bladder’s about to lose it. (PAUSE) HELLO?? Could I get a little help here?
Right Hand: (Shutters) Okay, okay. I don’t know why you can’t learn to aim yourself.
Brain: Would you just hurry up.
Right Hand: Okay back off.
Penis: Alright bladder, let her go. HEY!! Watch out right hand! That rug is brand new.
Eyes: (Sarcastically)Well that’s a nice first view of the day.
Right Hand: Well excuse me. It’s a little early in the morning. Forgive me for not being peppy and alert.
Penis: Well I’m just saying you’re the one who’s going to have to clean it up. Don’t forget to flush.
Right Hand: I won’t. I’m putting him away. You know, there’s a reason you’re hidden behind clothes.
Penis: Oh why don’t you just eat sh(pants are back up)
Right Hand: HA!
Brain: Well we might as well just stay up now.
Legs, Arms, Torso: Screw you! Shut your yap.
Ass: Bite me!