What The Hell Does Rant Mean?

In honor of Scott’s wedding, I decided to post a little something about him. Eat it Mallory!! When I was thirteen I joined a bowling league. I had a gold ball with black swirls in it. I bought it from Mr. T. Anyway my ball was named Lewis. Well I’m sitting there putting on my Voltron bowling shoes and this kid sits next to me and puts on his Jetson bowling shoes. I was pretty jealous because I love Judy Jetson. A lot. We’ll he puts on his shoes and pulls out his bowling ball and across the ball it says Clark. So I say, “Your name’s Clark?” “No, it’s Scott. My bowling ball’s name is Clark”, he said in a low Shaftesque voice. That’s how we began. Lewis and Clark. We joined a pairs tournament and kicked ass, until Laurie and Lacy Turner beat us by 213 points. But we had them beaten up next to the ball polisher by Terry Van Dyke, a butch lesbian that bought minors liquor for the right price. Needless to say we’ve been great friends ever since. Cheers to you Scott!

Are You A Jeremy?

I know you want to know. I know you have been sitting in the corner, frittering away. "Who’s personality am I most like" Who??? Well get out of that corner and step out into the darkness. It’s time!!

Scores
00-09 You are a Nadia Comaneci. You do lots of back flips and enjoy lemonade.
10-16 You are a Kevin. Your love of PHP is only surpassed by your awesome widescreen tv. You are absolutely the kindest person in the world. Probably.
17-23 You are a Jeremy. Mostly likely you are a very lazy person. Your idea of hell is having to clean, carry things around, and hiking to lakes with haunting dead girls at night.
24-30 You are a Mallory. Everyone just loves you. Your photography is splendid. You taste in t-shirts devine. Your hatred of Avril Lavigne is contagious.
31-37 You are a Becca. You lucky person you. You can do no wrong. You paint miracles. Your hummus is award-winning. And no one says “More salsa on your chip, luv” with such charm and conviction.
38-42 You are a Jake. You are pretty damn smart. Not to mention an intellectual wit of wits told in an exact Jimmy Stewart. No one proclaims God’s non-existence with such hilarious offensiveness. No one drinks their problems away quite like you.

Please post a comment with your score and what you think!! Just do it damn it!!

My Father, Harvey Lonnie Jacobson, was born April 24, 1947. He is 60 years old today. Happy Birthday to him. Without him, you would not have this extreme time-waster to read. So……

Alarm Buzzes Loudly
Jeremy’s Ears: Someone shut that damn thing off.
Jeremy’s Brain: Be careful just to push snooze. Remember when we turned it off that one time and fell back asleep. Then we had to lie and tell the boss the power went out so the alarm never went off.
Ears: SOMEONE GET THAT ALARM OFF!! LEGS!!!
Legs: Alright, alright. Let me hit the snooze with my big toe. I don’t know why we have to sleep upside down in the bed.
Right Big Toe: Be Careful Legs. I don’t want to get caught on something.
Legs: Yeah, yeah. Just do your job and I’ll do mine.
Alarm stops.
Body relaxes once more.
Bladder: Hey let’s not get too comfortable. I’ve been holding a copious amount of urine all night long, and I can’t hold it much longer.
Legs: DAMN IT!! If the throat hadn’t been so dry and whiny before we went to bed last night we wouldn’t be in this mess.
Throat: Hey, if you want to dehydrate you go right on ahead and do it, but don’t complain to me when we have to go to the emergency room.
Brain: Alright everyone. Shut up and let’s do this. Ab muscles, pull the upper body into a sitting position.
Ab’s: Ah man, We’re too fat. We need to start exercising more.
Brain: We’ll talk about it later. Just pull us up now before we wazz all over the sheets
Ab’s: Fine! All right. PULL! C’mon everyone. PULL!!
Brain: K, Legs. Take us to the bathroom.
Legs: Here we go. Walk, walk, walk.
Hands: Here, I’ll get the seat for you.
Penis: fonvoe gerrt ih we.
Brain: Hands, can you get the pajamas and the underwear down.
Hands: I was about to. Like I don’t know how to do this by now.
Penis: Finally! I said hurry up here. Bladder’s about to lose it. (PAUSE) HELLO?? Could I get a little help here?
Right Hand: (Shutters) Okay, okay. I don’t know why you can’t learn to aim yourself.
Brain: Would you just hurry up.
Right Hand: Okay back off.
Penis: Alright bladder, let her go. HEY!! Watch out right hand! That rug is brand new.
Eyes: (Sarcastically)Well that’s a nice first view of the day.
Right Hand: Well excuse me. It’s a little early in the morning. Forgive me for not being peppy and alert.
Penis: Well I’m just saying you’re the one who’s going to have to clean it up. Don’t forget to flush.
Right Hand: I won’t. I’m putting him away. You know, there’s a reason you’re hidden behind clothes.
Penis: Oh why don’t you just eat sh(pants are back up)
Right Hand: HA!
Brain: Well we might as well just stay up now.
Legs, Arms, Torso: Screw you! Shut your yap.
Ass: Bite me!

“At judgement day atheists will be in the streets selling blowjobs trying to pay off Pascal.” - Jake Meeks

A few tips on how not to get caught with your pants down on Judgement Day.

1. Write a log of all your sins. Especially the bad ones. Go over them time and time again. Once your long list of sins comes up in your “trial”, you do not want to be surprised by sins you forgot about.

2. Sin often. You need to desensitize your soul. I can’t say this enough: squelching the conscience is key here. The day you can mug an old lady, rob her blind, and feel nothing, well that’s a good day.

3. Bring cookies to court. Chances aren’t likely Jesus is going to accept bribes, but maybe he will. Plus if not you’ll have something to snack on in hell.

4. Tell everyone about your sins. Get the embarrassment over now. Nothing looks worse than a blushing face in court. Those jury members with be on you like Sally Struthers on a steak sandwich.

5. Practice your facial expressions in the mirror. You want to look surprised by the allegation you peed in the nacho cheese sauce last year at the bowling alley after my poor game of 43 which I blamed on the manager’s insistence that I wear their shoes and not my old lucky ballet slippers. Surprise means “You said I did what?”. And that’s a good thing.

Try these helpful steps to make it through that tricky process known as “The Last Judgement”. You may find yourself flipping off the chumps standing in line for the court room on the “right” side of Peter’s gates. Then it’s eternal tequila sunrises for you.

Happy 4/20. I know, I know. I haven’t posted forever. But I just spent the past four days reading twolooseteeth.com and have enjoyed every bit of it. I know what you are thinking. Didn’t I already talk about this blog before. No, not really. I made up some wack story that linked to their site, but I have never really talked about it. I enrolled in TLTU only four days ago. I was on the fast track to my BA in all things Lisa and Sarah. Well my friends I have graduated. This is what I’ve learned.

*David Boreanaz aka DBo can do no wrong
*You can make a craft out of anything(records, marbles, freezer paper, Postal Service envelopes, etc) Do not underestimate the power of crafting.
*Running a marathon takes too damn long, But I know a crapload of places to practice running.
*Don’t f*** with librarians. They will mess you up.
*Mallory may or may not have had/has a Backstreet Boys Fan site
Plus an assortment of stuff from bikini waxes and emergency underwear to “pink” scrabble and bad dance movies. This is the site dreams are made of.

I just had to say. Anyone up for a Lisa/Sarah quiz off? Because I just might kick your ass!!!!

Happy Birthday Dawney! Remember steam roller on the Provo Temple lawn! I was just thinking of that.

Monday April 2 -
[11:54] Mallory: Well… YOU CAN COME ON FRIDAY NIGHT!
[11:54] Mallory: WOOT YEAH! WOOO!
[11:54] Mallory: i might be full of sugar.
[11:54] hobbes8u: Oh dear
[11:55] Mallory: lol im sorry i will calm down.
[11:55] hobbes8u: no no it’s okay
[11:55] hobbes8u: So you want me to go to Salt Lake Friday huh
[11:55] hobbes8u: You don’t want to visit beautiful downtown Provo
[11:55] Mallory: yeah yeah we were gonna go to a moovie.
[11:55] hobbes8u: hshs

Tuesday April 3 -
[12:05] hobbes8u: Now you realize I don’t get off til 7pm
[12:06] Mallory: A nine o’clock movie it is!
[12:06] Mallory: or a ten oclocker.
[12:06] Mallory: Ooh we could do dinner and then a movie.
[12:06] Mallory: yeah yeah yeah
[12:07] Mallory: it’ll be great

[12:16] hobbes8u: So I’m coming up Friday night to go to the movies
[12:16] hobbes8u: Are you going
[12:21] Becca: sorry, jake had to use the computer for a minute.
[12:21] Becca: who are you going to the movies with?
[12:23] hobbes8u: Mallory
[12:23] Becca: ohh.
[12:23] Becca: what movie are you going to see?
[12:25] hobbes8u: I’m not sure
[12:25] hobbes8u: But you MUST go you absolute MUST
[12:28] Becca: what time? i will go.

[17:24] hobbes8u: I’m coming up on Friday to go to the movies with Mallory and others
[17:25] hobbes8u: I told Becca to go and I think Kevin is and maybe you could get off early? :)
[17:25] Jake: I don’t think so…I’m scheduled at work for some training stuff I can’t get out of.
[17:25] hobbes8u: Blast!!

[10:44] Hobbes8u: So are you going to the movies on Friday
[10:45] Kevin: Probably

Wednesday April 4 -
[12:53] Mallory: and it sounds like becca and jake are also coming
[12:53] hobbes8u: and I invited Jake and Becca
[12:53] hobbes8u: Well Jake isn’t
[12:53] hobbes8u: He has to train
[12:53] Mallory: oh
[12:53] Mallory: bummer
[12:53] hobbes8u: At least that’s what he told me last night
[12:54] Mallory: ive only talked to becca about it
[12:54] Mallory: and that was like monday
[12:54] hobbes8u: So what are the plans
[12:54] hobbes8u: dinner and a movie?
[12:54] Mallory: yeah yeah!

[13:24] hobbes8u: Tifany are you going to the movies Friday night?
[13:24] Tifany: Nope.. I have to work :( I’m sorry.
[13:25] hobbes8u: til 11:00?
[13:25] Tifany: No, until about 10
[13:25] hobbes8u: Oh actually the movie starts at 10:30pm at brewvies
[13:25] hobbes8u: Renoo 911
[13:25] Tifany: really?
[13:26] hobbes8u: yep
[13:26] Tifany: I could probably make that then !

[13:27] hobbes8u: Tifany works til 10 on Friday
[13:27] Mallory: well then
[13:27] hobbes8u: She may be able to make it to the movie
[13:27] Mallory: a 1030 movie it is.
[13:27] Mallory: hee.
[13:27] hobbes8u: haah excellent
[13:28] Mallory: :D
[13:50] hobbes8u: Have you eaten at Al Forno’s
[13:51] Mallory: no..
[13:51] Mallory: someone was telling me about it the other day though
[13:51] hobbes8u: That it was good?
[13:51] Mallory: Um.
[13:51] Mallory: they thought so?

[14:31] hobbes8u: alright the evening is planned
[14:31] hobbes8u: Al Fornos and Brewvies

To Becca:
[18:40] hobbes8u: So are those plans okay??
[18:40] hobbes8u: If you print out a coupon on the internet you can get a free bruschetta appetizer
[18:59] hobbes8u: okay well let me know I’m off now

[18:02] hobbes8u: But fellas you’re gonna want that cow bell

Thursday April 5 -
[10:03] Mallory: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR
JEEEERRREEMMMYYYY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUU

[13:45] hobbes8u: Sweaters are hot
[13:47] Mallory: skirts are kind of cold.
[13:48] hobbes8u: Well I wish I was wearing a skirt, but would it cover my boobies?
[13:48] Mallory: well.. you dont wear a skirt on top..
[13:48] Mallory: so no.
[13:48] hobbes8u: I know but the skirt would have to replace my sweater
[13:48] Mallory: oh.
[13:48] hobbes8u: and lord knows you don’t wear a sweater on the bottom
[13:48] Mallory: well.
[13:49] Mallory: it would cover your boobies i suppose.
[13:49] Mallory: you could wear it like a weird tube top?
[13:49] hobbes8u: Okay then now we are talking
[13:49] hobbes8u: Kind of like a lamp shade
[13:49] hobbes8u: except if any one tries to touch my dimmer they are going to get slapped

To Becca:
[17:46] hobbes8u: If only Becca was home.
[17:46] hobbes8u: Then life would be great
[17:46] hobbes8u: If only Becca was home
[17:47] hobbes8u: I wouldn’t have to contemplate
[17:47] hobbes8u: How crazy my life is
[17:47] hobbes8u: How old I am getting
[17:47] hobbes8u: I’m losing my fizz
[17:48] hobbes8u: From the bottle I keep hitting
[17:49] hobbes8u: B is for Bouquets of babies she wants delivered to her door
[17:49] hobbes8u: E is for the electrocardiogram she had to have when a bouquet of babies was delivered to her door
[17:51] hobbes8u: C is for the Card that was attached to the bouquet of babies
[17:51] hobbes8u: C is for Chip as in More salsa on your chip luv
[17:52] hobbes8u: A is for Algorithms….fuck algorithms
[17:55] hobbes8u: Oh geez
[17:55] hobbes8u: I sure like cheese
[17:55] hobbes8u: Cheese is so yellow
[17:55] hobbes8u: It can make a fella smeelow
[17:56] hobbes8u: smeelow that is
[17:56] hobbes8u: no smellow that is
[17:56] hobbes8u: that’s the rub
[18:30] hobbes8u: Okay text me I want to know if you are coming tomorrow night
[18:30] hobbes8u: Please come
[18:30] hobbes8u: please please please

Friday April 6 -
[09:15] hobbes8u: When do you have to go to lab
[09:15] Mallory: im leaving here at like two
[09:15] Mallory: we are learning studio lighting
[09:15] hobbes8u: How is everything turing out so far
[09:15] Mallory: and somehow i got screwed over and had to take the friday time slot
[09:15] Mallory: thats like from 2-6

[09:21] hobbes8u: Gooses! Geeses! I want my geese to lay gold eggs for Easter
[09:21] hobbes8u: At least a hundred a day
[09:21] hobbes8u: And by the way
[09:22] hobbes8u: I want a feast!
[09:22] hobbes8u: I want a bean feast!
[09:22] Mallory: okay jeeze we’ll have a bean feast

[10:32] Mallory: and so i am excited for tonight
[10:32] Mallory: well,
[10:32] Mallory: EVEN MORE EXCITED
[10:32] Mallory: becuase its been 63 days too long jeremy.
[10:33] Mallory: SIXTY THREE DAYS TOO LONG.
[10:33] hobbes8u: it sure has
[10:33] hobbes8u: DEFINITELY
[10:33] hobbes8u: I haven’t been able to get a hold of Becca
[10:33] Mallory: did kevin work out the picking you up plans?
[10:33] hobbes8u: I’ve texted her, IMed her no responses
[10:34] hobbes8u: Yes I worked it out with Kevin

[10:35] hobbes8u: And Tif’s gonna meet up at the movies
[10:35] hobbes8u: after she gets off at 10
[10:35] Mallory: right right.
[10:36] Mallory: Im sure it’ll all work out
[10:36] Mallory: hee.
[10:36] Mallory: it better
[10:36] hobbes8u: It better. I am extremely sad Jake is not coming because I love that man deeply
[10:36] Mallory: :(
[10:37] Mallory: he’s working or something right?
[10:37] hobbes8u: He has to train
[10:38] Mallory: oh right
[10:38] Mallory: pfft.
[10:38] Mallory: loser.

[15:32] Kevin: I’ll see you in a few hours :)
[15:32] hobbes8u: Alrighty

[18:46] hobbes8u: BECCA?????
[18:46] hobbes8u: are you around somewhere
[18:47] hobbes8u: anywhere at all??

Well Kevin got me at 7pm and we went to his house to get Becca(Who was supposedly meeting us to go to the movies). He calls Mallory on the freeway to tell him we are on the way(Quite a bit early to call her I thought) Pull into his driveway where Becca’s car is. I think why isn’t she outside waiting for us? She’s just going to walk in Kevin’s house when he’s not there. We don’t honk for her to come outside, instead Kevin gets out of the car and goes in the house, so I follow him. I am looking at the wall when I hear a loud girl screaming. I think, “Why the hell is Becca so excited to see me for? (Especially since she has practically ignored all of my text messages and IMs all week long)” I look up and everyone’s there yelling surprise. Tifany(not at work), Mallory(not at the studio), Jake(not training people he can’t get out of doing) plus a whole hell of a lot more people. Sara, Tyler, Brooks, Matt, Jeremy(not me, the other Jeremy), Becca, and Kevin of course. I was shocked. All that work I did planning the evening and everyone just let me. Playing along. And I printed coupons. COUPONS!!

But I had the funnest weekend ever. Thanks so much everyone! Especially Mallmsy and Tifany for planning and decorating. And Kevin for playing host and taxi. Plus Tifany made a boobs cake. So very great!!