What The Hell Does Rant Mean?

10. A new fashion trend, Dick Cheney-skin boots.
9. Avocados are on sale 4 for $1.00.
8. Just got rid of the clap.
7. Angelina Jolie’s dreams of collecting one child from each country foiled when South Africa tells her to bugger off.
6. Soda’s all gone.
5. Your father never loved you.
4. Russell Crowe and Naomi Campbell have first annual telephone throw down. Both die from fatal dialing injuries.
3. You have the brew shakes.
2. God finally reveals himself to be real just so he can disassociate himself from George W Bush.
1. Two words: Breakdancing Jake

I’m sure everyone knows how a haiku poem goes. But just in case. It’s three lines. The first line is five syllables, the second is seven, and the third is five. That is the only criteria. Without further ado: The Haikus of Kevin.

Kevin’s so smart, but
one day a computer will
kill him in his sleep.

You think that’s funny?
Shut up and drink your last shot
of Disaronno.

Kevi Kevi Kev
<?php
echo ‘Hello!’;
?>
No, I don’t have to.

Please read my rad friend
Kevin’s Accidental Blog
right bloody here. NOW!

Sacking up is not working for me. I forgot I was such a wuss. I’m no man. I’m pathetic. So I thought I was back in the saddle, but I find my ass slipping right off of it. So yesterday was my first day back to work from my back injury. Well I sat and stood all day and my leg(the injury causes my leg to cramp like no other) and back were throbbing. I got home and laid in bed until 7:30am at which point I got up for work again. Not sleeping. No. I was in evil, black pain. I was thinking about going to the emergency room just to get the pain to stop. But I didn’t. So here I am at work again sitting on my aching ass. Except this time, I’m deliriously tired. So there it is the terrible, pathetic truth. My own sack down. There is a big reason why the phrase “I wish I was dead” is hugely popular to me.

Well after a very looonnnggg week, I am back in the saddle. Well with a heating pad in the saddle, but in the saddle nonetheless. I don’t know how I managed it, but I somehow screwed my back up. On Sunday it was rather sore, but when I woke up Monday last week I couldn’t sit or stand without white hot flashes of pain. It was horrible. I ended up staying in bed all week on a heating pad(my only comfort). I finally made it to the doctor’s on Thursday when I could sit up without screaming. All I got was a prescription of muscle relaxers(which have been useless so far) and a doctor’s note to prove to my work that I had indeed injured my back and wasn’t relaxing poolside in a Vegas resort casino with a margarita in hand. That night I finally was able to sleep after four days of being forced to stay awake by Captain Pain In My Back. Which was a good thing. I used five sick days. FIVE!! What an amusing way to spend my last remaining sick time for the year. Plus not only did I break my streak of posting to my blog daily, I missed a whole week. Sorry about that.

So here’s to you and here’s to me. If ever we should disagree, here’s to me.

My day today can be described in one of my favorite sayings:

Some mornings it’s just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

Here are some TV themes from shows I watched when I was a kid.
Sorry I’m lazy.

Today’s Special
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cxLfIs051c”>

Fraggle Rock

Ducktales

Small Wonder

Voltron

Alvin and the Chipmunks

And finally I started out on Sesame Street as Mallory and I were talking about recently. Here was one of my favorite Classic Sesame Street songs.

So it seems you learn a little bit about me with each post. Some good and some bad. Here’s another. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to a certain degree. When I take an interest in something, I go whole hog. Well one thing I love is lists. I’m crazy for lists. I love to make lists. I love to read lists. I’m OBSESSED about lists. I’m so crazy. I realize this. I just remembered my last post was a list. SEE!!

“The doctor said my nose wouldn’t bleed if I didn’t put my finger up there.”

Here’s five cool list links
1. Rolling Stone’s 25 greatest South Park moments in celebration of their 10th anniversary
2. AFI’s top 100 films of all time
3. TV Guide’s 50 Worst and Best TV Shows ever
4. American Institute of Architects 150 Favorite American Structures
5. Comedy Central’s 100 Greatest Stand-ups of All Time

The Book of Lists is my favorite list source. It’s simply orgasmic(If you’re listopathic).

You know what I am sick of? SPAM! What the hell? It seems amazing to me how much spam I get. It comprises most of my inbox, but it’s the same four or five emails everytime. I will list them for you.

1. need girl for sucky-sucky? (WHAT? No I don’t! I have a mouth. I can drink my own sodas thank you very much.)

2. DO YOU WANT A BIGGER PENIS? (Duh. But what I want more is to stop hearing about your damn bargain-madness viagra sales.)

3. I’m the daughter of a dead Nigerian king. I’m filthy rich. I just can’t get my hands on the dough. So if you give me all your bank account and personal information, I will transfer my money to your account and we’ll split it. Okay? (Shit. How many Kings are in Africa anyway? There are a bunch of rich people in Africa. They just can’t spend it apparently. How the hell did they get my email? Where did they find a computer in Africa?)

4. Take a survey to win two free NANO iPODS. (I hate you.)

5. Jeremy, this is your mom. Please come home. I miss you. (How did she figure out how to use email?)

This has got to stop.

P.S. I love my mum

So a guy walks into the library. He’s clearly not the library-type. His long hair is wrapped up in a bandana, and he has dark sunglasses covering bloodshot eyes. His mouth is drawn into a tight, determined purse. Scents of cigarettes and body odor waft off his baggy clothes. His bright orange flip-flops slap lightly on the earthen tile. He makes his way to the librarian’s desk. He stops in front and clears his throat. He pulls one side of his over coat open to reveal a bottle of silverfish. Silverfish, the library book’s worst enemy. Lisa, the librarian, eyes the bottle and looks into his dark lenses.

“What are you planning on doing with those?”, shes inquires coolly. “I’m going to take this place down.”, he slowly responds. Lisa leans in closer and whispers. “Over my dead body.” His eyebrows raise slightly above the rims of his sunglasses. He stutters mildly back at her, “I will. I’ll open this bottle right now and start with section 400 of non-fiction. Language.” “You fool.”, she chides, “You aren’t going anywhere near those bookshelves.”

Sarah, sitting at a nearby table reading the latest Vogue, watches the exchange. She reaches into her purse for her nail clippers. Lisa taps her fingers on a copy of Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment. He slowly reaches for the bottle. Lisa grabs her laser scanner and points it at him, “You have to ask yourself. Do you feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?” His nose twitches. He snatches the vial of silverfish. “You illiterate bastard.” , she mutters as she presses the button on the scanner. A laser flashes in his eye. He cries out and lunges forward at her. Sarah dashes to her feet and flips out the file in her clippers. She stabs the file into his arm. Lisa picks up her date stamper, swings her arm back and pitches a March 14, 2007 at his forehead. “What the..”, he stammers noticing he is now being attacked by two women, “Who are you?” “I’m you’re worst nightmare”, Sarah grumbles at him. Sarah grabs her Prada heel off her foot and smacks him across the face. He starts to panic and drops the vial rolling it across the floor to the card catalog. Lisa picks up the container of silverfish and crams it down his throat. He chokes and dies on his own device. Lisa and Sarah stand over his corpse satisfied to save the books. “You shouldn’t have screwed with my library.”, she says shaking her finger at the body. “Look”, Sarah says pointing to his mouth, “When you shoved that jar down his throat, it gave him two loose teeth.” “That gives me an idea”, Lisa announced.

Read about Lisa and Sarah’s ideas here.

There comes a time in a person’s life when they realize they are incredibly fat. Well my alarm is ringing loudly. I’m sure Finland can hear my alarm too.

Being fat is not always a great source of pleasure. Sometimes your friends ask you to go on a hike in the middle of the night to see the girl that haunts the lake and only an eighth of a mile into it you are almost willing to die right their on the spot so you don’t have to go further. To make matters worse you’re drunk and this whole ordeal is being videotaped with your enthusiastic consent. Then you lose a sandal in the woods and you have to crawl around in the poison oak to retrieve it. Oh sorry, I’ve digressed. Sometimes you go to the mall and of course the only things a really fat person can buy at the mall clothing-wise are shoes and socks. No fancy underwear for you, no favorite band or nostalgic cartoon t-shirts. You will not be wearing $200 Versace or Armani jeans. And trying to walk through those stores? Forget it. You feel like a monstrous combine, taking everything down off the racks and the shelves to your left and your right as your swollen abdomen rakes through the aisles. It’s like playing virtual pinball. Malls are definitely for skinny people. Then there are amusement parks, airplanes, restaurant booths, seat belts, spelunking. I mean here I am, stereotypically American. Doing my best to stay chunky and watch lots of tv and how am I rewarded? By ridiculously high cholesterol levels, borderline agoraphobia, clothing made from building awnings, and an unriveled laziness to be sure.

It’s now been three weeks exactly since I started my blog. That’s 21 days. It takes 21 days to form a habit. I have formed a good habit(for once in my life). So I’m going to try it again and see if it’s a fluke. That’s right! The big four letter word despised by Garfield, Homer, and Supermodels everywhere. I don’t know if I can do it. I’ve tried many times.

Maybe the 37th time’s the charm.