What The Hell Does Rant Mean?

8:51am-Crawl out of bed having hit the snooze button the allowable number of times(13)
8:51:09am-Peak out bedroom door to see if sister has gone to work yet so I know if I can walk around the apartment naked if I need too. She hasn’t. At least now I can bum a ride from her to work.
8:51:16am-Sit on edge of bed and curse the morning.
8:51:20am-Stare off into space.
9:03am-Put deodorant and clothes on(Hey I showered last night before I went to bed-I don’t have time in the morning because I’m too lazy).
9:11am-Look in mirror, recoil in horror, quickly wet what hair I have left and comb it down.
9:14am-Sit at computer and wait for sister
9:21am-Ready to leave. Open front door. There it is again. The snow. Unable to contain my sudden anger, I swear loudly “@#*&!!”

I was alive this Groundhog’s Day. I know what I saw. I ready the Yahoo News headline. “Groundhog doesn’t see shadow. Early Spring.” Why is it still snowing then? WHY?? What the hell is going on here. As the snow comes down like chubby Price Is Right contestants, I have to question my unwavering faith in the groundhog system. Who do we blame here: the groundhog, his/her keepers, faulty lighting? I’m left to wonder how they can tell if the groundhog sees his shadow anyway. What kind of standards does this groundhog-monitoring team follow? Are they extremely thorough? Have they extensively researched groundhog facial expressions, groundhog meteorology, and the effects of shadows on groundhogs? Does the good groundhog give off some secret signal on seeing his shadow? Does this groundhog talk? Does he say, “Hey folks, yeah I saw my shadow, bundle up.”? Maybe the groundhog did see his shadow out of the corner of his eye. Maybe, just maybe, this groundhog is a great actor. He comes up out of his stump, and puts on an Oscar-winning performance. Then later he laughs about it with all his beaver and squirrel friends how stupid Americans are to predict the weather based on some rodent glimpsing his shaded twin. Whatever it is, it’s about as effective as George W Bush’s ability to use words longer than five letters.

11:36am-Give up