What The Hell Does Rant Mean?

Aires: You’re attitude sucks and has been getting on the nerves of several people. And do you ever comb your hair. It looks like the Cookie Monster was run over in a mud swamp by a Hummer several times and glued to your forehead. Why do you even get up in the morning?

Taurus: Your fixation with breasts is going to be your downfall. That’s all you can focus on. You keep it up and you’re going to be reincarnated as laundry bag in a monastery.

Gemini: I wouldn’t have eaten that last piece of chocolate silk pie if I were you. Pretty soon your car’s going to be riding you. Besides there was a piece of glass in that last piece.

Cancer: Lighten up! You know you are really becoming such an asshole. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone doesn’t track you down, cut off your arms and wad them down your throat you son of a bitch!

Leo: Everybody knows you’ve been sleeping with other people’s husbands and you are wrong for that.

Virgo: Now you are one cool cat. Your style and sophistocation is the envy of six billion people. Everybody wants to be you.

Libra: Libra the lazy. Your laziness is out of control. Your house is a mess. You use a reachin’ broom to change the channel on your television set when your remote control is lost. I mean come on. A reaching broom? Have some respect for yourself. Find your remote control like a man. Search high and low, but do NOT change that channel until you find it.

Scorpio: Well if it isn’t the office whore. Sleeping your way to the top. It wouldn’t be so bad if you could type and spell, but not even the spell-checker can guess what the hell you are trying to say. And if you think bringing a pot full of your “world famous barbecued chowder cookies” is going to get you any further, it just might work.

Sagittarius: Your death is imminent. Watch out for a Uma Thurman look-a-like standing at a bus stop by a Wendy’s

Capricorn: Everybody talks about you behind your back. This is because your fashion sense is hilarious. Overalls over a prom dress? Not even Bjork herself could think that one up.

Aquarius: Your arrogance is what’s going to do you in today. You really think you’re someone, don’t you? You pompous, self-appointed hero. I have news for you. That new message in your voicemail is not the governor recommending the gold star. It’s a death threat.

Pisces: Just because you are a fish, does not mean you have to drink like one. You’ve made stumbling around an art. Life is not a toga party my friend. Where’s my rubbing alcohol?

After being the powerhouse gum for decades, Trident has to finally step down from that post. Mallory Michelle Qualls, OD was the first to flip-flop after she discovered her dog Gingersnap died several months after eating a piece of Cinnamon Tingle. Gingersnap died Monday Feb 12, 2007 shortly after being hit by a Mr. Jordi La Forge in a 1986 Red Cadilliac Seville. This was the third dog Mr. La Forge had hit in a seven hour period, and he was shortly taken into police custody. Upon autopsy, Dr. Michael La Forge, announced the dog had died of a bowel obstruction caused by a piece of cinnamon-flavored gum. Jordi was released with the admonition that he needed to lay off the driving as he was very blind. Miss Qualls, OD nodded as she realized that her dog had been pooping bubbles for the past few days. “I find this fact rather odd, as Trident is not known as a good bubble producing gum.”, thought Jeremy as he was typing this blog. The other dentist, Dr Ben Jinklestein, changed his mind when he found out Trident wasn’t kosher. I called the Rockford, Illinois factory to gather more information, but the calls were rerouted to some adult date line. After many hours I came to the conclusion that I was not going to get any information about Trident from the woman I was talking to. So what is going on with this elusive gum called Trident? Maybe we’ll never know. But one thing is certain. Only 2 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident now. And that leaves the door wide open for all you other gums.

For more information, read Dr. Mallory’s blog here

I see now that writing a blog isn’t going to be easy if I want to post to it daily. It’s not like I have fans that are desperate for my daily confabulations. COME ON YOU BLOG JUNKIES SNORT MY HEROIN!! So I guess I don’t really need to be in a perpetual state of posting. I do feel some pushing out inside me though, like the first wazz after you drink a SuperMegaColossalBigGulp. But that’s just it. It’s usually piss. But I do try. I have to dig deep with that rubber spatula, scrap all along the inside off my head, and scoop out my brain. It sounds like a terrible Julia Child concoction. Then I splosh it out onto a plate and serve it up. There it is, all slimy. And it horrifies, captivates, disgusts, offends, humors, and hopefully entertains. But you can look over it and all of a sudden–Oh there’s the time my cousin and I started a lemonade stand and we sold penny candies for two cents each, but got in a fight over it because I was eating all the profit.–And there’s the time when I was in a play and I was suppose to whistle to call the other characters on stage and I couldn’t whistle so the director told me to make some animal sound and when it came to it, at that very moment, I cut the cheese. These ideas roll out and I distort them and I create some Monster for everyone to enjoy. I guess what I’m saying is. I hope you enjoy the crap I go through to post this stuff.

Tifany start your blog!

So I got 9 out of 24 categories right. I’m so ashamed. Although with the edit feature I could go back “in time” and….ah screw the Oscars anyway. What are you looking at? I didn’t see you put yourself on the line and make some predictions. Oh yeah? Well your momma!

At least Little Miss Sunshine fared better than I thought it would. Someone has some sense. Alan Arkin for Supporting Actor and Original Screenplay. Little Miss Sunshine won Original Screenplay not Alan Arkin. Actually to be quite correct Michael Arndt won the Oscar for writing the screenplay. I should have dared to predict them like Jen did. Oh well at least I can make frosting roses better than her, a LOT better. ;) (And I resent having to express my emotions with random puntuation keystrokes. &%@#*! I guess that’s another blog though)

I’m a terrible couch prophet. And I do magical things on couches. Not that magical, you pervert! I was referring to my uncanny ability to watch television. So Jen kicked my trash on this contest.

DAMN YOU TO HELL, JEN!

To know Jake Meeks is like having a refrigerator with one of those ice makers in the door with the kind of crushed ice you can only find in bowling alleys. It’s a good thing. Read his great blog here.

Salsa Con Dios.

8:51am-Crawl out of bed having hit the snooze button the allowable number of times(13)
8:51:09am-Peak out bedroom door to see if sister has gone to work yet so I know if I can walk around the apartment naked if I need too. She hasn’t. At least now I can bum a ride from her to work.
8:51:16am-Sit on edge of bed and curse the morning.
8:51:20am-Stare off into space.
9:03am-Put deodorant and clothes on(Hey I showered last night before I went to bed-I don’t have time in the morning because I’m too lazy).
9:11am-Look in mirror, recoil in horror, quickly wet what hair I have left and comb it down.
9:14am-Sit at computer and wait for sister
9:21am-Ready to leave. Open front door. There it is again. The snow. Unable to contain my sudden anger, I swear loudly “@#*&!!”

I was alive this Groundhog’s Day. I know what I saw. I ready the Yahoo News headline. “Groundhog doesn’t see shadow. Early Spring.” Why is it still snowing then? WHY?? What the hell is going on here. As the snow comes down like chubby Price Is Right contestants, I have to question my unwavering faith in the groundhog system. Who do we blame here: the groundhog, his/her keepers, faulty lighting? I’m left to wonder how they can tell if the groundhog sees his shadow anyway. What kind of standards does this groundhog-monitoring team follow? Are they extremely thorough? Have they extensively researched groundhog facial expressions, groundhog meteorology, and the effects of shadows on groundhogs? Does the good groundhog give off some secret signal on seeing his shadow? Does this groundhog talk? Does he say, “Hey folks, yeah I saw my shadow, bundle up.”? Maybe the groundhog did see his shadow out of the corner of his eye. Maybe, just maybe, this groundhog is a great actor. He comes up out of his stump, and puts on an Oscar-winning performance. Then later he laughs about it with all his beaver and squirrel friends how stupid Americans are to predict the weather based on some rodent glimpsing his shaded twin. Whatever it is, it’s about as effective as George W Bush’s ability to use words longer than five letters.

11:36am-Give up

The Oscars are just aroung the corner. February 25th, 2007 at 5:00pm PST/8:00pm EST on ABC(”That’ll be thirty-six dollars, ABC”). So some predictions. This year the Oscars will be hosted for the first time by the very famous lesbian, Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen DeGeneres is the funniest lesbian in the world! Who dares say Ellen is going to hell for being a lesbian? Okay, so that’s not a prediction. But I just had to say it. Well actually it is. I predict Ellen is not going to hell. She puts the esbia back in lesbian. Lesbian’s a funny word. Lesbian.

I have to be honest. I haven’t watched many of the movies that have been nominated. All I have seen is The Devil Wears Prada, The Departed, and Little Miss Sunshine. All three were very good movies. So who am I to say who should win? And who the HELL wants to read more Oscar predictions? “I do.” “What? Who said “I do”?…..I said who said “I DO”?…..alright, I’ll give in, whatever” I’ll get to them in a second. But first, I want to talk about the people behind the movies who never get a second glance let alone an oscar category. These people work just as hard as that damn cinematographer. Or that ludicrous supporting actor. Well here are a few of my picks for categories that should be:

Best Best Boy Grip: Jim Hollahoo, Night at the Museum
Best Dolly Grip: Jim Hollahoo, The Holiday
Boom Operator: Becca Smith, You, Me & Dupree - I’ve never seen such honest boom-operating
Best Second Unit, Assistant Cameraman: Maxine Johnson, The Passion of Warren Eddington
Best Movie Title Font: Helvetica Bold, Whores Don’t Know Any Better
Best Studio Security Guard: Richard “Ichard” Jones, Nanny McPhee
and lastly
Best Craft Service: Hilda’s Donuts and Stuff, Babel

So you see. We need to honor everyone in the movie biz. You call yourself obsessed Hollywood fans. COME ON!! I can do better than you! Until you have”Ichard” carved on your chest with a steak knife you stole off the set of “The Da Vinci Code” or decorated your bathroom with Hilda’s signature bacon-colored take out bags, you’re not correctly obsessed with Hollywood. I’m just sayin’.

Anyway here’s my other crappy picks:
Documentary: An Inconvenient Truth, by my good man Al Gore
Documentary, Short Subject: Recycled Life, because I love recyclers
Animated Feature: Cars, unfortunately.
Animated Short Film: No Time For Nuts, my tribute pick to Ellen
Live Action Short Film: Binta and the Great Idea, Binta is one of my favorite names
Original Score: Babel
Original Song: “Listen” from Dreamgirls, one of their’s songs has got to win, right?
Sound Editing: Pirates of the Carribean
Sound Mixing: Pirates of the Carribean
Visual Effects: Pirates of the Carribean
Film Editing: United 93
Makeup: Pan’s Labyrinth
Costume Design: The Devil Wears Prada
Art Direction: Dreamgirls
Cinematography: Children of Men
Foreign-Language Film: Pan’s Labyrinth
Adapted Screenplay: The Departed
Original Screenplay: The Queen
Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson, But I’d love to see Abigail Breslin win.
Supporting Actor: Eddie Murphy
Actress: Helen Mirren
Actor: Forrest Whitaker
Director: Marty Scorsese
Picture: Babel, Little Miss Sunshine should take it though. Because I nearly had a stroke for that movie.

This has been a friendly prediction by your couch prophet.

Jacobson out!

Okay. All of a sudden there’s blogs everywhere. Everywhere I turn there’s a blog. I go to McDonald’s - “Would you like a blog with that?” I go to the car wash - Soap, Rinse, Hot Blog. The Liquor Store - blog-flavored vodka. How much is that bloggy in the window? Not very much, because everyone can afford one. Everyone’s blogging. I caught two people at work blogging in the closet. I turned the light on for them, because that is not good for your eyes. So now I think to myself, “Why is everyone blogging? Why haven’t I heard about this phenomenon? I don’t have a blog. How can I fit in without a blog? O my Blog, I can’t B-log this. Blog is my bloglem? Blog blogblog blog. Blog!” Then I couldn’t understand a word I was thinking. But one thing was certain. Blog.

So here it is. The unveiling of my personal blog. Now I can hold my head up high. I have joined the flock. I feel society’s comforting, grip around my waist. And that is some feat if you’re familiar with my waist. I’m finally in that long line to who knows where. For where it goes or where it started is beyond my sight. But I am somewhere in the middle snugly fit between two others who must also feel a deep satisfaction with their easy, mundane place in line. I’m special. I’m unique. I’m complete.

Got blog?